May, 2002: 46 posts.
i can answer your questions
if you won’t twist what i say
please respect my opinions
they will be respected some day
because we don’t need love
i believe that we don’t need love
there’ll come a day when we won’t need love
Two of the most significant independently created websites out there, MetaFilter and evolt.org, are profiled in this new book, which I will definitely be picking up. It couldn’t happen to a nicer couple of sites.
MeFi and the ‘volt are both examples of the fact that anyone with sufficient drive can create unique and engaging websites. One need not spend millions of venture capital money to build wonderful things. Kudos to both sites!
… previous entry where I get far too interested in a referrer, see: One of My Favorite Links to ArtLung.com, March 2002.
I’m at a loss right now as to why I am sharing any of this here. I have not as of yet told my friends. Why make this most sensitive of topics available to anyone who cares to read it? The plain answer is that it feels honest to do so. I’ve been keeping this journal for over a year now, and this is something so earth-shattering that I can’t not put it in here.
Bleeding Into This Textarea
And so it is that I bleed my despairs and hopes into this textarea. How this has come to pass is something I will be pondering and working at in the months and years to come. My desire is always to understand myself and my world. And ideally, have a positive effect there. The problem is that in many ways I have failed myself and my wife in having a positive effect inside my marriage. I have been reading a great deal about marital problems and am trying to inventory those things that have gone so very wrong. It’s my strongest desire that no matter the outcome of my separation from Jennifer, that she have the best life possible. This is what I have always wanted for her, and for myself. I have an inclination that what will be best will be for us to be together, but there is no guarantee whatsoever that that is the preordained outcome.
Again I wonder about the advisability of posting this, but I think that this journal, this space to think, must be a part of my reevaluation of my life and how I live it.
Peace and Love to all of you out there across the world. Peace and Love.
»How to Advertise Responsibly Using E-Mail and Newsgroups or – how NOT to $$$$$ MAKE ENEMIES FAST! $$$$$
»Help for Marketers from Fight Spam on the Internet!
»This in particular is really on the mark:
Bulk email can be a powerful advertising medium. However it can also kill your reputation and get your web site shut down. If you advertise through bulk email, please be very careful about who you use. As an advertiser, you share in the responsibility for how email is sent. If you support a spammer with your advertising revenue, you share the blame for the spam. It is your responsibility to verify the management of the lists you support.
On the other hand, even the most well-run list may generate some false spam complaints. You should talk to your internet providers before you begin any bulk mail campaign. A list is judged not only by how many complaints they generate, but also on how they handle those complaints. – from Help for spam report recipients on Spamcop
“But the Internet is fundamentally changing politics, but in unflashy ways that parallel what has happened in the business world. After the dot-com crash, two types of businesses have principally thrived by using the ‘net: Businesses that do old things in new ways that rely on the Internet’s unquestionable ability to increase the speed and quantity of information flows, such as eBay, and old economy firms, such as UPS, that use the Internet to do what they’re already doing better, faster, and more efficiently—for instance, linking suppliers and distributors in just-in-time inventory systems.
In politics, it’s very much the same. What matters is using basic new technology to do old things better, and focusing on substance, not on how sexy a web page can be. “A campaign Web site is a receptionist’s office. The really interesting stuff is occurring on the back end and through email,” says Michael Cornfield, a George Washington University professor currently writing a book about the Internet and elections.”
In other news, I picked up a new AC Adaptor from CryWolf Consulting yesterday for my Clamshell iBook SE. The old one was worn out, and when there’s no juice, computers don’t run. CryWolf seemed like a nice joint, and I may use them again.
What will happen?
And I’m watching and I’m waitin hopin’ for the best
Even think I go to prayin’
Every time I hear em sayin’
That there’s no way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day
No way to delay
That trouble comin’ everyday – Zappa
Today was hard. I was on edge and feared breaking into tears several times. I have reached out to many people who I feel may have insight for me into how things got the way they are for Jenny and me. Essentially, there are no easy answers, but the advice I get is to use common sense, don’t make rash statements and judgements, don’t push too hard on Jennifer, and give her space. Moreover, I am told that my ideas for crazy and stupid stunts are crazy and stupid. I am reading and re-reading correspondence and some books and trying to make sense of it all. I have spoken or telephoned or IM’d or emailed with many people — nobody can change the state of things as they are, but some can offer insight, and the caring I’ve received has been wonderful. I’m also trying to make real face time with friends and family. Human contact, in person, beats all the mediated communcation I can think of. After all, I truly fell in love with Jennifer only after flying to meet her. Something about that physical proximity – that human contact – is the whole point of the thing. In other news, I have booked a flight to go and see my sister in Washington D.C. later this month. A change of scenery will be good for me, and further enjoin me from doing the stupid things that cross my brain. Also, it’s been too long since I’ve seen my sister. This has a double effect of giving Jenny even more space, and getting her a chance to be here in the apartment and further move out. I realize that I’ve been in violent, serious denial about separation. But I don’t have the fear I once did of it. Jennifer and I are presented with a unique opportunity to reevaluate our lives and make a new start. New starts are a good thing, I think. And today I end this diary entry with hope, and not sorrow.
To all those who today have offered advice, I cannot but express my heartfelt Thanks.
I think he’s a wise man.
She read some previous entries in my blog and had this to say: As for sobbing. I think it’s healthy under the circumstances. Screaming in the car is good too, very punk rock.
How cool is that?
I’m going to try to radically reform my life and figure out how I can be a better formed human being.
Part of that is doing some de-pack-ratting. So here are some things for Sale — check http://artlung.com/yardsale/ and spread the word. The audience for this blog is larger than just San Diego, but I think the shipping costs to anywhere but San Diego would make these deals not such good deals. I leave it to you. Thanks to those of you who have gone out of your way to offer sympathy and support. I only hope I can be worthy of such support.
Also today I got an email from Jenny’s Grandmother. It was in Spanish, and I did pretty well with about.com’s spanish/english dictionary and of course babelfish – but I had the friend of a friend also take a look to make sure I got all the nuances. This is the first contact with Jenny’s Abuela in some time, and certainly since this started. She is doleful, but hopeful. The recurring theme I keep hearing is that this is normal — problems in marriage are par for the course. The question is how one deals with them. So far, I’m alive, and trying to make sense of it all.
Onward. Work to be done.
Last night I made a phone call to the person Jenny said she was going to see romantically – Jeremy. I got the phone number from one of the phone bills, and I managed to figure out that that was the one. I left a message with a person I suppose was a roommate — “Tell him that Joe Crawford called, and I left my number” — with no malice or anger in my voice whatsoever — I don’t know what I expected, but I was curious to speak with this person who I feel has had a substantial impact on my life.
I bear this person no ill will, and intend to do nothing stupid. It was just a phone call, after all. Apparently this person was upset and let Jenny know that I called, rather than call me back.
Anyway, I want it known that I did not intend to violate any privacy. It was more out of curiosity over the separation and broken marriage vows that concerned me. I was curious to talk to this person, and I’m not ashamed of that.
If Jeremy has no desire to talk to me, so be it — I won’t pursue it. But I’m in a stage where any legal and reasonable avenue of inquiry and exploration is open to me. I’m reading books, I’m going to therapy, I’m sending flowers, I’m consulting with family, I’m consulting with friends, and yes, I make phone calls and emails to people I don’t know. I don’t feel ashamed for any of my actions thus far. I’ve been honest and forthright altogether. I have WOKEN UP to my faults and failings, and hope to be a better person for it. I also intend for Jennifer to know that I do have great affection for her, and love her. I don’t expect ANYTHING I do to be a “magic potion” which will win her back. I will be making mistakes. Probably lots of them. That phone call, this entry — these may be mistakes. But I’ll never do anything wrong or illegal, and I’ll never hurt anyone. I know very well that that won’t solve anything.
I am trying to build a my life up again. I very much feel as though I was killed, and am struggling to come back from the dead.
~ act as though jenny is irretrievably gone
~ the sooner you get into that mindset, the better
~ then if she comes back, that’s a plus, and if she doesn’t, well, you’re already in that mindset, right?
To which I reply – Thank you, rudy. This is excellent advice. No amount of shenanigans will win her back. Either she wants me back, or not. I have to learn to be in my own skin again.
Tomorrow I’m headed a few thousand miles to see my sister and recalibrate myself for this new world.
As for the map in the previous entry, my flight actually went through Chicago, but you didn’t think the map in the previous entry was spot-on anyway, did you?
As I reread it I was so happy that it went to my dead letter office. Sometimes you want to talk, and it’s a really dumb idea. The watchword for relationship-strife communications: Caution.
In other news, it looks like Jennifer has updated her online journal.
Best not to dwell on the past. But I’m definitely trying to constructively learn from the past.
Big Planet is very clearly laid out. They actually store comic collections and graphic novels by author in many cases, very handy if you’re looking for say, works by Frank Miller or Alan Moore. They also have an extensive independent comics section of comics and collections that’s logically laid out. Most surprisingly, they have a great deal of foreign comics – French, German, Spanish. They also had a nice selection of new comics.
But they had more than “fancy” comics. They also had an extensive section of superhero graphic novels. I picked up two things (I can’t resist supporting a good store!) — The collected Earth X and Conversations with Charles Schulz. Both were worth the purchase. Earth X is beautifully done – but a bit heavy-handed and self-important. But it’s a fun read. The Schulz book is a collection of interviews with the Peanuts creator. The conversations span decades, and it’s a good read so far.
Now, about #1 and #2 in my “list” of Best Comic Book Stores. The best comic book store I’ve ever been to is Golden Apple Comics in Los Angeles/Hollywood. They’re on Melrose Avenue, and have a tremendous selection of comics and magazines and toys and oddities. It’s also well laid out, and has lots of events with artists. A great store.
The second best store on my list would be Comic Kingdom, which was on University Avenue here in San Diego. I used to go to that one when I was younger (say, 17 to 25 years old?). The problem is, several years ago they went out of business. But they were great. Massive numbers of back issues, all the most current comics, books, collectibles. It was a great messy goulash of a store. Then one year, in my periodic trips to San Diego from Virginia while I was in RT school and working as an RT, I drove to the store and poof! No more store. That was a heartbreaker.
Senator Ernest Hollings and a powerful group of Hollywood entertainment interests are pushing Congress to pass an anti-consumer bill called the Consumer Broadband and Digital Television Promotion Act (CBDTPA) that may make it impossible to:
» Play your CDs on your desktop computer
» Create legal copies or mp3s of the music that you own to play in your car, or listen to while you exercise
» Create mix-CDs of music you’ve paid for
This is not the way copyright law is supposed to work. Tell your member of Congress that you value your fair use rights and don’t want Hollywood to control technological innovation.
After you contact Congress, check out the Tinsel Town Club video!