May, 2002: 46 posts.

The word of the day for Monday was: cuckold.

Stray Lyrics, from Talking Heads:
i can answer your questions
if you won’t twist what i say
please respect my opinions
they will be respected some day
because we don’t need love
i believe that we don’t need love
there’ll come a day when we won’t need love

Went to see Tenacious D and the Strokes tonight with Jenny and Ewon. It was pretty good. Not too much to say about that. Turns out, I’ve seen a lot of concerts in my life. I’d better hit the hay; it’s very late.

Stakes is high.

      roach drumstick

courtesy Sassy

I am quite displeased at the way Verisign is handling the hoopla.com domain hijacking.

…spread the word…

by Stew from Guest Host — Cavity

Brother Lazarus can you explain to me
your return to city of the dead?
He said On Fifth and Alvarado I feel no pain
Nobody even noticed when I floated down Main
And they say that I’m insane
Out here in the rain

New smorg items: Cavity, Stepford Lives, Bijou.

I’m not sure how I ended up on The Fascinating Links page of The em-bed Examiner, but I appear to have some very cool company.

Jennifer is away now. To retain a release valve, I have thrown myself into activity – work – personal projects – household chores – errands. I find that when I let myself think about where I am in my personal life I tend to want to scream or sob, which is not socially acceptable outside of the shower or in the car on my commute. And so it goes that time passes. I am in a new state of being not-exactly married, not-exactly single, not-exactly-divorced — a limbo called “separated”. As I pass through, not knowing how long I will be here, I try ta maintain.

The efficiency of this call sounds about right to my rusty medical ears. Methodical, cautious, and does what it needs to. It brings terrible news in the way that a person can handle it.

The incomprehensibility of my own current emotional state continues to surprise me. Things are bad. Separation feels terrible. How did this happen? Have I not been supportive and accepting? Where did i go wrong? Is this because of our age difference? How on earth do people manage to grow together? There are no answers to these questions, are there?

What will happen?

I’m losing it. But I love her. Must be something can be done. Problems which develop over years cannot be solved in a day — but how to get my foot in the door to talk these things over when she’s moved out, and I’ve basically lost my emotional balance?

And I’m watching and I’m waitin hopin’ for the best
Even think I go to prayin’
Every time I hear em sayin’
That there’s no way to delay
That trouble comin’ every day
No way to delay
That trouble comin’ everyday – Zappa

She read some previous entries in my blog and had this to say: As for sobbing. I think it’s healthy under the circumstances. Screaming in the car is good too, very punk rock.

How cool is that?

Cocoa Krispies Memory, and a Kite in Santa Monica.

I’m feeling better. I’m less on edge. My sense of humor is returning. I still miss Jennifer. I have an appointment with a counselor today. Jenny is not coming, but I have (emotional) work enough to do on my own I suppose. I still think it would be helpful to get us to talk about what happened to our love/relationship/marriage in front of a third party — and Jennifer is still skeptical. Family has been wonderful, as have been friends. Tonight there will be family dinner on the Crawford “ranch” – everyone basically knows what’s happening, but this will be a big gathering. It should be fine. Also tonight, I will go see Attack of the Clones with my friend Ewon. That should be a good time — a diversion. Normally I would have seen this new Star Wars movie on the first day it was open, but not this time. Too much else going on in this life.

Onward. Work to be done.

I need to go offline for a while. In need of serious reclamation project. The best advice I’ve gotten in the past few days is:

~ act as though jenny is irretrievably gone

~ the sooner you get into that mindset, the better

~ then if she comes back, that’s a plus, and if she doesn’t, well, you’re already in that mindset, right?

To which I reply – Thank you, rudy. This is excellent advice. No amount of shenanigans will win her back. Either she wants me back, or not. I have to learn to be in my own skin again.

Tomorrow I’m headed a few thousand miles to see my sister and recalibrate myself for this new world.

Onward.

Onward!

Not much new to report. Jennifer called late last night and left a message on my machine. We have administrative things to address, papers to sign, keys to turn over. She also asked how my trip was and wished me well. I’m having a hard time understanding how it is she still has any interest in that. I’m very much hoping she’ll take me up on joint counseling. Her last email seemed open to that. But who knows? A colleague of mine mentioned that marriage is a dynamic environment. I like that makes marriage sound like one of those spinning plate acts – where the performer has say, 6-10 plates spinning at the tops of thin spokes. They seem to totter, but somehow it works out. But then I think of when my marriage was at its’ best – early on, when everything seemed to work quite fluidly, organically even. Things clicked. I guess we just never made the proper transition from dealing with “good times” to “bad times.”

Best not to dwell on the past. But I’m definitely trying to constructively learn from the past.

Onward.