Today was hard. I was on edge and feared breaking into tears several times. I have reached out to many people who I feel may have insight for me into how things got the way they are for Jenny and me. Essentially, there are no easy answers, but the advice I get is to use common sense, don’t make rash statements and judgements, don’t push too hard on Jennifer, and give her space. Moreover, I am told that my ideas for crazy and stupid stunts are crazy and stupid. I am reading and re-reading correspondence and some books and trying to make sense of it all. I have spoken or telephoned or IM’d or emailed with many people — nobody can change the state of things as they are, but some can offer insight, and the caring I’ve received has been wonderful. I’m also trying to make real face time with friends and family. Human contact, in person, beats all the mediated communcation I can think of. After all, I truly fell in love with Jennifer only after flying to meet her. Something about that physical proximity – that human contact – is the whole point of the thing. In other news, I have booked a flight to go and see my sister in Washington D.C. later this month. A change of scenery will be good for me, and further enjoin me from doing the stupid things that cross my brain. Also, it’s been too long since I’ve seen my sister. This has a double effect of giving Jenny even more space, and getting her a chance to be here in the apartment and further move out. I realize that I’ve been in violent, serious denial about separation. But I don’t have the fear I once did of it. Jennifer and I are presented with a unique opportunity to reevaluate our lives and make a new start. New starts are a good thing, I think. And today I end this diary entry with hope, and not sorrow.
To all those who today have offered advice, I cannot but express my heartfelt Thanks.