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Occupying My Mind 2002 May 13

Today has been full. I cleaned up some in the apartment. I threw away some junk. I made a pile of cool stuff that’s not wanted. I made a web page detailing same, and put them up for sale. I went to Kinko’s to get a color copy. I got a short haircut. I bought a pair of shorts, a belt, toothpaste and laundry detergent at K-mart. I took a shower and shaved. I went out to see Spider-Man with a friend of mine and her boyfriend. I got to know them a little bit when we went to Borders. I bought a book about relationships and the CD of the girl with the current “1000 Miles” hit. I ate chips and guacamole and beef and chicken fajitas with them at Chevy’s. I came home and did some dishes. I watched some of Enterprise. I watched Six Feet Under. I went for a mile walk to Twiggs in University Heights. I passed tiny little antique store – Gala – and they had cute things. They had some fun kitsch there. I drank a hot chocolate and read for 40 minutes. I walked down to El Cajon Boulevard, and all the way up it. I saw a drunk couple stopped at a car dealership while the man peed against a telephone pole. I heard a Mexican corrido band playing for a party that was ending. I picked up a Gatorade and The Reader. I came home. There are no new messages on the phone or in email. I wrote this post. Inside I am hollow and destroyed now. But somehow I will recover my Self. I am burning away the layers of delusion and habit and reactivity. I am learning that what I thought was pretty good and pretty stable, was actually a tender thing. I am learning what it means to be abandoned. I am learning to feel how my wife has felt for the past year and a half. Alone, abandoned, powerless. I have said too much and now I must go to sleep. I will now go to bed. The cat is here in the easy chair with me, asleep. He is not human, but he does comfort me.

Joe Crawford blogged this at 12:20am in 2002 in May. The 13th was a Monday. You are reading this 17 years later. Comment. There are no comments Tweet. Send email. It has hashtags→ .

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