May 2002

Offline
I need to go offline for a while. In need of serious reclamation project. The best advice I’ve gotten in the past few days is:

~ act as though jenny is irretrievably gone

~ the sooner you get into that mindset, the better

~ then if she comes back, that’s a plus, and if she doesn’t, well, you’re already in that mindset, right?

To which I reply – Thank you, rudy. This is excellent advice. No amount of shenanigans will win her back. Either she wants me back, or not. I have to learn to be in my own skin again.

Tomorrow I’m headed a few thousand miles to see my sister and recalibrate myself for this new world.

Onward.

I want something I did last night to be understood.
Last night I made a phone call to the person Jenny said she was going to see romantically – Jeremy. I got the phone number from one of the phone bills, and I managed to figure out that that was the one. I left a message with a person I suppose was a roommate—“Tell him that Joe Crawford called, and I left my number”—with no malice or anger in my voice whatsoever—I don’t know what I expected, but I was curious to speak with this person who I feel has had a substantial impact on my life.

I bear this person no ill will, and intend to do nothing stupid. It was just a phone call, after all. Apparently this person was upset and let Jenny know that I called, rather than call me back.

Anyway, I want it known that I did not intend to violate any privacy. It was more out of curiosity over the separation and broken marriage vows that concerned me. I was curious to talk to this person, and I’m not ashamed of that.

If Jeremy has no desire to talk to me, so be it—I won’t pursue it. But I’m in a stage where any legal and reasonable avenue of inquiry and exploration is open to me. I’m reading books, I’m going to therapy, I’m sending flowers, I’m consulting with family, I’m consulting with friends, and yes, I make phone calls and emails to people I don’t know. I don’t feel ashamed for any of my actions thus far. I’ve been honest and forthright altogether. I have WOKEN UP to my faults and failings, and hope to be a better person for it. I also intend for Jennifer to know that I do have great affection for her, and love her. I don’t expect ANYTHING I do to be a “magic potion” which will win her back. I will be making mistakes. Probably lots of them. That phone call, this entry—these may be mistakes. But I’ll never do anything wrong or illegal, and I’ll never hurt anyone. I know very well that that won’t solve anything.

I am trying to build a my life up again. I very much feel as though I was killed, and am struggling to come back from the dead.

Psychosocial Update
I’m feeling better. I’m less on edge. My sense of humor is returning. I still miss Jennifer. I have an appointment with a counselor today. Jenny is not coming, but I have (emotional) work enough to do on my own I suppose. I still think it would be helpful to get us to talk about what happened to our love/relationship/marriage in front of a third party—and Jennifer is still skeptical. Family has been wonderful, as have been friends. Tonight there will be family dinner on the Crawford “ranch” – everyone basically knows what’s happening, but this will be a big gathering. It should be fine. Also tonight, I will go see Attack of the Clones with my friend Ewon. That should be a good time—a diversion. Normally I would have seen this new Star Wars movie on the first day it was open, but not this time. Too much else going on in this life.

Onward. Work to be done.

According to Beth Hansen on 5/15/2002, my site is a blog for the web addict. At least that comment sounds like a compliment.

Me, Now. Photo by Charles. On the right, Kelly:

Bruce Sterling on Star Wars
A Very American Movie

Non-Depressing Stuff—Data Modelling With Rudy!
Database diety rudy limeback has a very neat post on his rudy.ca site—Data Modelling, which talks a bit about how data modeling was done 30 years ago. Very, very, very cool.

Breaking The News

Tonight I went over to see my Grandmother to break the news about Jenny and me. I was terrified about how she would take it. And the whole ghoulish thing is just so horrible to tell. My Grandmother was wise, and wonderful, and hopeful that the best outcome would come from all this. She wishes well to Jennifer, and was as supportive as I could imagine. I am so, so lucky to have family who always seem to offer insight. I am incredibly lucky to have her. Gradually, word is seeping out into the family. And as my Grandmother said tonight “problems are shared” – which I suppose is a kind of variation on “many hands make light work.” Though I have a hard time thinking that what I am now experiencing could ever be described as “light.” This is by far harder than anything I have ever had to deal with in my life. Though perhaps given time that assessment will change.

Also today I got an email from Jenny’s Grandmother. It was in Spanish, and I did pretty well with about.com’s spanish/english dictionary and of course babelfish – but I had the friend of a friend also take a look to make sure I got all the nuances. This is the first contact with Jenny’s Abuela in some time, and certainly since this started. She is doleful, but hopeful. The recurring theme I keep hearing is that this is normal—problems in marriage are par for the course. The question is how one deals with them. So far, I’m alive, and trying to make sense of it all.

Onward.

Occupying My Mind

Today has been full. I cleaned up some in the apartment. I threw away some junk. I made a pile of cool stuff that’s not wanted. I made a web page detailing same, and put them up for sale. I went to Kinko’s to get a color copy. I got a short haircut. I bought a pair of shorts, a belt, toothpaste and laundry detergent at K-mart. I took a shower and shaved. I went out to see Spider-Man with a friend of mine and her boyfriend. I got to know them a little bit when we went to Borders. I bought a book about relationships and the CD of the girl with the current “1000 Miles” hit. I ate chips and guacamole and beef and chicken fajitas with them at Chevy’s. I came home and did some dishes. I watched some of Enterprise. I watched Six Feet Under. I went for a mile walk to Twiggs in University Heights. I passed tiny little antique store – Gala – and they had cute things. They had some fun kitsch there. I drank a hot chocolate and read for 40 minutes. I walked down to El Cajon Boulevard, and all the way up it. I saw a drunk couple stopped at a car dealership while the man peed against a telephone pole. I heard a Mexican corrido band playing for a party that was ending. I picked up a Gatorade and The Reader. I came home. There are no new messages on the phone or in email. I wrote this post. Inside I am hollow and destroyed now. But somehow I will recover my Self. I am burning away the layers of delusion and habit and reactivity. I am learning that what I thought was pretty good and pretty stable, was actually a tender thing. I am learning what it means to be abandoned. I am learning to feel how my wife has felt for the past year and a half. Alone, abandoned, powerless. I have said too much and now I must go to sleep. I will now go to bed. The cat is here in the easy chair with me, asleep. He is not human, but he does comfort me.

Things Are Tough; Stuff For Sale
Despite being occupied with going to the post office, racquetball, to see the great new documentary Dog Town and Z-Boys, yesterday was an intensely difficult day.

I’m going to try to radically reform my life and figure out how I can be a better formed human being.

Part of that is doing some de-pack-ratting. So here are some things for Sale—check http://artlung.com/yardsale/ and spread the word. The audience for this blog is larger than just San Diego, but I think the shipping costs to anywhere but San Diego would make these deals not such good deals. I leave it to you. Thanks to those of you who have gone out of your way to offer sympathy and support. I only hope I can be worthy of such support.