ArtLung. Feb.2004

Christmasness 2004 Mar 01

Something from the editorial floor of Artlung.com, a would-be Christmas letter from 2003 that never was. I was fixin’ to delete it, then I thought, why not blog it!

So here it is…

Who won’t go up on the housetop click, click, click or down thru’ the chimney?

It’s good Saint Nick if he has to fly commercial. His boots would be taken and his suit of red searched. And those Five golden rings better be declared to customs before crossing the international border. Bobby won’t get a pair of ice skates. They could be used as a weapon along with what should go in the stocking of little Will: a hammer and lots of tacks. Forget about that ball and a whip that cracks too. Or Suzy’s sled. It won’t fit in the overhead compartment or under the seat in front of him.

It might appear thus on FoxNews: An elderly gentleman calling himself only “Mr. Claus” was detained by agents of the Transportation Security Agency December 24th attempting to board Reindeer Airlines at Juneau International Airport. Sources inside the Department of Homeland Security indicate that the man, heavyset and with a twinkle in his eye, had likely entered the country illegally via the North Pole. In the interests of the administration’s War on Terror, a jolly old elf such as this, bearded, and carrying no identification is being treated as a “high probability suspect.”

And perhaps later….

The “Claus Case” has taken a turn… DHS and FBI agents report that the “Elf-Man” has escaped custody despite being under heavy guard. Apparently during a break in interrogation he for milk and cookies he disappeared from the holding area. The only possible exit in the security area is reportedly a chimney. Agents are at a loss to explain this circumstance, but say that the fat man left a note saying “Merry Christmas to All, and to All, a Good Night.”

Not funny enough, not satirical enough, not well-formed enough. Good enough for the blog, not good enough for the Writing section.

And to all a good night!

Joe Crawford blogged this at 4:57pm in 2004 in March. The 1st was a Monday. You are reading this 16 years later. Comment. There are no comments Tweet. Send email. It has no hastags.

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