world, meet olivia rex.

(developing).

Update: you can listen to her songs!

Lazy Sunday morning. Pretty day so far. Everyone asleep for now.

Saw the boy’s basketball game yesterday — not a win, a little disappointing. We need to put up the hoop we got on Freecycle.

So.

Last night Leah, Alison and I went to see Brokeback Mountain. I did not know what expect. I think I expected cheesy melodrama.

Instead, as in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and The Ice Storm he pulled off something with a great deal of sensitivity — with characters and situations that create empathy and identification beyond what one would think possible.

In particular I think of the Michelle Williams character. She sees her husband doing something entirely unexpected, and she says nothing. She is paralyzed and terrified, and yet she cannot speak. The emotion for me was profound — “If you do not speak, you will never resolve this.” So much sadness in that movie, and I definitely empathize with that feeling of not being able to speak. Something must be said, and yet nothing can be said.

I think of the title of a Harlan Ellison story (novel?) I have no mouth and I must scream. The horrible sensation of having something that must be said and the incapability of saying it.

Not a dry eye in the house, man.

At various times I have and do withhold my thoughts. I cannot speak. I don’t do that anymore. Well, when I do it, It doesn’t last for years or decades anymore, anyway.

Speak your mind. Be yourself. And… Onward.

My TypeKey page was updated: http://profile.typekey.com/artlung/

LiveJournal has changed how they do their urls, so they are all username.livejournal.com. Thus: http://artlung.livejournal.com/ not, of course, that I really hang out over there.

Rhonchi.com is getting comment spam! That was pretty fast. Luckily Spam Karma 2 protects it! There’s more lung-y news out there than I ever could have anticipated. I still have not heard from any RT’s who blog, but c’est la vie. They’ll turn up eventually.

Olivia Rex has put up a few new songs since I last mentioned it. One comparison is Rickie Lee Jones. What do you think of her?
Leah claims I have a crush on Tim from Project Runway. Well, maybe. I’m a sucker for a dry wit.

Three years ago I was on KPBS These Days to talk about blogging on the radio.  Now they’re looking for teenage San Diego bloggers. Are you one? Contact them.

Does anyone have any questions?

Leah sent me this, it’s a daily email from Loving Each Day:

The vision of togetherness is only possible if two people are willing to deal with it, honestly and without ego.

– John-Roger

(From: Relationships: Love, Marriage and Spirit, p. 57)

Not an easy goal.

A lot of them are sort of mushy, but many feel insightful and true.

Eclipse.org:

Eclipse is an open source community whose projects are focused on providing an extensible development platform and application frameworks for building software.

or, “I coulda had 45 Mbps to my home!”

Good Morning Silicon Valley: We thought you said spend the $200 billion on “dark fiber”
…during the buildup to the 1996 Telecommunications Reform Act, the major U.S. telcos promised to deliver fiber to 86 million households by 2006 (we’re talking about fiber to the home, here). They asked for, and were given, some $200 billion in tax cuts and other incentives to pay for it. But the Bells didn’t spend that money on fiber upgrades — they spent it on long distance, wireless and inferior DSL services.

…I always thought this would make a terrific band name.

Suggest/see others.

 via robotwisdom.

It seems like the more I learn, the more I realize I know nothing at all. I’m feeling humility today and yesterday and the day before. Humility before a higher power is how I think of it. It reminds me of 12-Step programs, one of which I got involved with a few years ago. Humility serves a good function. Tear down the arrogance, and that’s when interesting stuff happens, that’s when you become open to what the world might be trying to tell you. I make progress toward being a good communicator, towards being a responsible person, but adulthood eludes me. F for Fake. Or F for Flake.

WWOD? What would Orson do?

Though perhaps I’m hung up on labels, and “should”-ing myself about what I “should” be, what I “should” be doing.

I have had a busy week, but I got lost this week in terms of my responsibilities. I am not as smart as I thought I was. I run into roadblocks, I run into the hard thing… and I am stopped dead in my tracks. I am paralyzed. At that point bad habits kicked in, and I have suffered for it, and that suffering is transferred to those I love. Those I love a great deal. That sucks. And hurts. And is a failure.

But the lovely thing is I am in control of my own life, and I can do what I want to do. I can want to do better. I can make changes which have an impact on the conduct of my own life, and if I am lucky or God willing (should he / she / it exist), then those changes can have an impact on those I love a great deal.

I know nothing, but I am in charge of my own life, and all the self-loathing in the world (well, all the self-loathing comes from inside me, not the world) won’t help a damn bit.

My name is Joe. I’m a human being, and I make mistakes. I might even make them in swirling curlicue patterns, thinking next time things will pull left, but there they go again pulling right. But I can recover from them and get better each time. I know that positive change is possible, because I’ve been there and done that.

The danger is in the hubris of thinking you have it all figured out. And that hubris is really just ignorance of the self. It’s a lack of reflection of how imperfect we are. That’s over. I feel it. I know nothing. And that is the beginning.
Thanks for listening. I doubt it made any sense, but it felt good.

From today.

I, apparently need God.

Whether there is one or not, I need a label for a higher power. For the unknown. Not black cats and superstition. But for the things in this world which cannot be easily explained.
And when I say need, I mean need.

I am a Catholic Agnostic, but there is a higher power, even if that thing is simply the spark in us that is greater than us. The thing that is there in a babie’s smile, in a sunset, in a beautiful painting, in a great movie, in a friendship, in love. In those things which will simply not submit to rationality and reproducibility and experiments. I need something to call it, and I’m calling it God. In all humility. This is a turnaround. I lost my faith in my twenties and God-damn the world which is so brutal and so inexplicable. And yet this is the world where I live, and I must be. Where I must carry out works. Where I must make a difference. Right now I miss working in the Hospital. Which is ironic, because I think I lost my faith seeing people suffer and die in hospitals.
So this labeling I’ll call faith. This might be a mistake. Right now, I don’t care, I need it.

I considered archiving all of artlung.com today. Thinking of starting fresh at joecrawford.com.

Lots of thoughts today. A rush. Today I need the comfort of that label. A higher power. My higher power. God. Is this desperation? I’m using my heart, and leading with my chin. Bring it on world. Bring it on. I will be myself. Whole. Humble. Forgiven?
It could get weird in here. I’m hopeful.

In a comment, Geoff Young pointed to this: Chapter 71 of the Tao Te Ching…

Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu – chapter 71

Knowing ignorance is strength.
Ignoring knowledge is sickness.

If one is sick of sickness, then one is not sick.
The sage is not sick because he is sick of sickness.
Therefore he is not sick.

On my mind today, in fact it’s my mantra today, is a line from Catholic Mass, the prayer called “Glory Be”:

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, Amen.

Somehow that’s very comforting today.

And in the same thread, Jukebox sent me this, which is comforting today:

Thank you Gentlemen. Thank You.

It’s not the initial bits of recovery that are the hard bits… it’s the middle bits that are the hardest.

Doing the hard thing, is hard.

Autobiography in Five Short Chaptersby Portia Nelson

I. I walk down the street.
There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…..I am helpless;
it isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place;
but it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in….it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V. I walk down a different street.

Revolutionary change requires change from within.

Affirmation/Mantra for the day:

I am capable of changing.

Just for today I will respect my own and others’ boundaries.

TUT’s Adventurers Club – Take the Oath and Receive the Notes!
In the face of adversity, uncertainty and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical, infinite, loving reality I live in. A reality that conspires tirelessly in my favor.

I further recognize, that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure, because thoughts become things, dreams come true, and all things remain forever possible.

As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for All. So be it!

Address your needs:

• Emotional
• Spiritual
• Intellectual
• Physical

And be a beacon to the greater glory of God.

My cynical 20 and 30-something self, who, upon seeing person after person suffer and die in hospitals, scoffs at the above statement. Heck, I’ve just recently been able to say “God” and capitalize it and everything. I had not done so since High School.
Meanwhile, the 7-year self understands fully that the universe, while chaotic, is also a great deal of fun. And where’s it come from, if not from God?

Here I am, 35 years old, and I am both these people, and more. I contain multitudes. I am belief and unbelief. I am realist and optimist and cynic. What I think and feel has a real impact on my life. These things *are* my life. And today, this morning, I think and feel that I am not a washed up child prodigy. I am not the boy genius who failed to live up to his potential. I am not a failure. These labels are not me, but they harpoon me, cutting a hole in me, subduing my true nature. Playful, instructive, passionate, loving, positive, enigmatic, enthusiastic.

How the Hell did I let the curmudgeon, the cynic, the naysayer, the lollygagger, the slug take over my outlook? And for years! I love those parts of me too, they are me, but they can’t take control. They can’t take things for granted. They can’t let fantasy be more important than my life. They can’t make me abandon the things I love.

This enthusiasm is scary because it feels so fleeting. When the humdrum hits, will the minus come back and snuff out the plus? How can I live and experience my life authentically and still feel the negative emotions? Feeling happy about everything is just another kind of unreality. I want to feel my feelings, and know that I am a person greater than just the sum of my feelings.

I am very thankful to my Transcendental Meditation instructor from High School. The tools I learned in that class have suddenly, 20 years later, proven very useful.

I feel like a pinata right now, bursting!

Integrity, Creativity, Honesty.

I’m back. Back with verve.

Onward.

I played racquetball last night.

I am sore with a capital SORE.

Aleve is my friend.

The backstory is that Back in August I posted mentioning looking for a partner here in Simi.

And last week, that call was answered, dude.

I’ve gained weight, but I was able to make some good shots. Didn’t overtax my system, but I needed long breaks between games.

We’re playing again next week.

Rock. Rock. On.

I went to Confession yesterday for the first time in 19 years. It seems my marriages (not in the Catholic Church) put me in a state which is not viable for receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation. This bums me out, but the priest was very nice, and had good advice for me, so I’m going to look into those options. Leah was very nice to me afterward. She could see how shook up I was by it.

Organized religion comes with some challenges, yo. They have rules. I want to run away from those rules, but navigating them is something I want to do, since I feel so strongly that it’s the Catholic Church (present and past) that has been a catalyst for the change that has taken place inside me in the past week and a half.

In other news… did I mention I was sore? It feels kind of good though, I definitely worked muscles I have not worked in a long time.

A., who I played with (and lost 3 times to) is to be married in India. Traditional marriage. It is said that arranged marriages are:

…more successful than other marriages. They hold that the spouses in an arranged marriage begin without any expectations from each other, and that as the relationship matures, a greater understanding between the two develops, aided by their often similar socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. In contrast, they feel that persons who enter into a marriage for romantic reasons often begin with unreasonable expectations, with little room for improvement but a great chance of failure.

Something to think about. Although I think marriages succeed and fail all the time, be they romantic, arranged, economic, or whatever. The question is really what kind of effort — spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical — you’re willing to put into them. Are you willing to be a partner who is there when things get hard? Sickness, health? Richer, poorer? Because life can get pretty rough brother. It gets really rough.
I am bringing, moving, pushing my actions (which have been slack) to match my passion and love for Leah, and for our partnership.

I dig this one. Perfect timing.

Wherever a new disagreement emerges, Joe, so does new hope for enlightenment, on both sides of the fence.

Oh joy,
The Universe

It’s a brand new day.

I have riches untold.

I am blessed.

Leah’s is in San Diego now, visiting our friend Mickele.

I let my folks know what’s up with me, and Leah, and the Church. They’re more supportive than I ever would have thought. And yet I find myself unsurprised. I love them.

Tomorrow I’ll go down to San Diego and pick Leah up and we’ll go to the Family Reunion thing for my Pop’s side of the family. We’re looking forward to that.

Another morning, some more tears. Must be a brand new day.

What’s a good affirmation from my handy-dandy list o’ affirmations? Here’s a good one:

“I am a child of God and I deserve Peace, Prosperity, and Serenity”

And even a better one, to remind me that dedication to the truth rocks:

“The pain that I might feel by remembering can’t be any worse than the pain I feel by knowing and not remembering”

To top it off, I’m still sore from racquetball. I have a few days to recover before I play again.

Cold here. Rainy yesterday. Now? Bright blue skies and fluffy white clouds.

That cycle, rain yesterday, blue skies today, feels like a redemption cycle.

There is hope.

The rain’s back. Sounds really nice on the roof.

Lovely, really. Redemption comes in waves? Life is a wheel? Good times and bad? minus and plus? Balance. Seek balance. I seek balance.
Currently watching: Danny Deck Chair

And getting some work done too.

Texted Leah. I hope her weather in San Diego is exactly what she needs.

Chocolate soy milk and a banana.

Yum. Day. Rocks.

Leah sent me this today.

Loving Each Day

If we’re upset and confused, we’re going to force our upset and confusion on somebody else. If two people are married and one has an emotional hang-up, that person may cause the other one emotional confusion, and then the marriage will be crippled. The existence will be crippled.

If someone around you is emotionally upset, tell that person not to put that on you. You can help that person work through it, but don’t take that confusion and upset on yourself. You don’t have to allow that.

Be selfish in a positive way.

– John-Roger
(From: Sex, Spirit and You, p. 73)

I’d like to rest my heavy head tonight
On a bed of California stars
I’d like to lay my weary bones tonight
On a bed of California stars

I’d love to feel
Your hand touching mine
And tell me why
I must keep working on

Yes I’d give my life
To lay my head tonight on a bed
Of California stars

by Wilco Woody Guthrie (thanks Jeff!).

“Struggle onward, bubba. I’m rooting for you.”

Thanks Tom! Likewise.

There was frost on the ground this morning here in Simi Valley.

Must be weather in honor of President’s Day.

The frost crunched underfoot as I took the trash cans out.

Beautiful bright day now!

Two cartoonists weigh in on the Danish cartoon controversy.

Only Pictures?
SPIEGELMAN: I have spent a lot of time soul searching and still come out on the same side of the equation. If there’s a right to make cartoons, there has to be a right to insult, and if there’s no right to make cartoons, well, I’m in big trouble. And I think America might be too.

 via Kynn.

Dear Internet,

What can you tell me about the ManKind Project?

Can you recommend any Men’s spiritual retreats?

Thanks,

Joe

Leah makes lemonade from the bitter lemony harvest of ants that have been quietly haunting us for a few weeks.

I was impolite to her today. Curt. Short. Not cool, Joe. Not cool.

Cool your Jets Boy!

It’s not easy being green.

Not easy to juggle priorities and be a grown up.

It would be nice if it were, but it must be something about being a mature adult.

Better next time. Better really better.

I love Leah. So how do I show her, even when I get frustrated? How do I not explode and get my upset all over her?

The key is to cool your jets, boy. Take your temperature, boy.

Watch that thermostat, boy.

Separation

Song of Solomon

Rick Driving

Counselor

Racquetball

Lent

Couch

Sunshine

ManKind

Tools

Wailed On

Walk Over

Honesty

Commitment

Contract

A Deal’s A Deal

Basketball Standard

Volvo

Shower

Orange Crush

Honesty (reprise)

Love

Class

Intention

Deadline

Integrity

I’d love to see this. Given it’s in Palo Alto up by Stanford, seems like a longshot. We’ll see how well we get things together:

Stanford Institute for Creativity and the Arts | Stew
Stew’s new musical, Passing Strange, is a work in progress that will be developed and performed at Stanford. The piece employs and toys with the time-honored tradition of the “musical travelogue” filtered through the black bohemian perspective of this acclaimed indie-rocker. It is commissioned by The Public Theater and Berkeley Repertory Theatre.

(actually, yesterday now)

Lead With Your Chin.

definition

Be gutsy. Be truthful. Be loving. Be authentic. Be love. Be real. Be risky. Be honest. Be spiritual. Be dogged. Be respectful. Be open. Be yourself.

Yo homes, ONWARD.

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”

attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt.

and Tom Peters quoted her too.

also, Scared straight – ‘Do one thing every day that scares you’ forwarded to me by Leah.

Constancy.

Overheard by someone else, but a necessary koan nonetheless:

If I can’t trust your ‘no,’ how can I trust your ‘yes’ ?

The concern this day is constancy. Of doing the right thing, for the right reasons, without trying to “sell” “win over” “impress” or otherwise manipulate another person.

I do that, it’s not a good pattern. It’s a disordered way to treat people.

I’m done with it. I vow to be who I am, regardless of who’s watching.

Character is what you are in the dark.

I’m not quite sure what to make of something called a Catholic Mormon Podcast.

“Hey you got your Mormon in my Catholic!”

“Hey, your Catholic got into my Mormon!”

Two great tastes that go great together!

…

It sure is a big internet.