And be a beacon to the greater glory of God.
My cynical 20 and 30-something self, who, upon seeing person after person suffer and die in hospitals, scoffs at the above statement. Heck, I’ve just recently been able to say “God” and capitalize it and everything. I had not done so since High School.
Meanwhile, the 7-year self understands fully that the universe, while chaotic, is also a great deal of fun. And where’s it come from, if not from God?
Here I am, 35 years old, and I am both these people, and more. I contain multitudes. I am belief and unbelief. I am realist and optimist and cynic. What I think and feel has a real impact on my life. These things *are* my life. And today, this morning, I think and feel that I am not a washed up child prodigy. I am not the boy genius who failed to live up to his potential. I am not a failure. These labels are not me, but they harpoon me, cutting a hole in me, subduing my true nature. Playful, instructive, passionate, loving, positive, enigmatic, enthusiastic.
How the Hell did I let the curmudgeon, the cynic, the naysayer, the lollygagger, the slug take over my outlook? And for years! I love those parts of me too, they are me, but they can’t take control. They can’t take things for granted. They can’t let fantasy be more important than my life. They can’t make me abandon the things I love.
This enthusiasm is scary because it feels so fleeting. When the humdrum hits, will the minus come back and snuff out the plus? How can I live and experience my life authentically and still feel the negative emotions? Feeling happy about everything is just another kind of unreality. I want to feel my feelings, and know that I am a person greater than just the sum of my feelings.
I am very thankful to my Transcendental Meditation instructor from High School. The tools I learned in that class have suddenly, 20 years later, proven very useful.
I feel like a pinata right now, bursting!
Integrity, Creativity, Honesty.
I’m back. Back with verve.