February 2006

It’s a brand new day.

I have riches untold.

I am blessed.

Leah’s is in San Diego now, visiting our friend Mickele.

I let my folks know what’s up with me, and Leah, and the Church. They’re more supportive than I ever would have thought. And yet I find myself unsurprised. I love them.

Tomorrow I’ll go down to San Diego and pick Leah up and we’ll go to the Family Reunion thing for my Pop’s side of the family. We’re looking forward to that.

Another morning, some more tears. Must be a brand new day.

What’s a good affirmation from my handy-dandy list o’ affirmations? Here’s a good one:

“I am a child of God and I deserve Peace, Prosperity, and Serenity”

And even a better one, to remind me that dedication to the truth rocks:

“The pain that I might feel by remembering can’t be any worse than the pain I feel by knowing and not remembering”

To top it off, I’m still sore from racquetball. I have a few days to recover before I play again.

Cold here. Rainy yesterday. Now? Bright blue skies and fluffy white clouds.

That cycle, rain yesterday, blue skies today, feels like a redemption cycle.

There is hope.

I dig this one. Perfect timing.

Wherever a new disagreement emerges, Joe, so does new hope for enlightenment, on both sides of the fence.

Oh joy,
The Universe

I played racquetball last night.

I am sore with a capital SORE.

Aleve is my friend.

The backstory is that Back in August I posted mentioning looking for a partner here in Simi.

And last week, that call was answered, dude.

I’ve gained weight, but I was able to make some good shots. Didn’t overtax my system, but I needed long breaks between games.

We’re playing again next week.

Rock. Rock. On.

I went to Confession yesterday for the first time in 19 years. It seems my marriages (not in the Catholic Church) put me in a state which is not viable for receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation. This bums me out, but the priest was very nice, and had good advice for me, so I’m going to look into those options. Leah was very nice to me afterward. She could see how shook up I was by it.

Organized religion comes with some challenges, yo. They have rules. I want to run away from those rules, but navigating them is something I want to do, since I feel so strongly that it’s the Catholic Church (present and past) that has been a catalyst for the change that has taken place inside me in the past week and a half.

In other news… did I mention I was sore? It feels kind of good though, I definitely worked muscles I have not worked in a long time.

A., who I played with (and lost 3 times to) is to be married in India. Traditional marriage. It is said that arranged marriages are:

...more successful than other marriages. They hold that the spouses in an arranged marriage begin without any expectations from each other, and that as the relationship matures, a greater understanding between the two develops, aided by their often similar socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. In contrast, they feel that persons who enter into a marriage for romantic reasons often begin with unreasonable expectations, with little room for improvement but a great chance of failure.

Something to think about. Although I think marriages succeed and fail all the time, be they romantic, arranged, economic, or whatever. The question is really what kind of effort—spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical—you’re willing to put into them. Are you willing to be a partner who is there when things get hard? Sickness, health? Richer, poorer? Because life can get pretty rough brother. It gets really rough.
I am bringing, moving, pushing my actions (which have been slack) to match my passion and love for Leah, and for our partnership.

Address your needs:

• Emotional


• Spiritual


• Intellectual


• Physical

And be a beacon to the greater glory of God.

My cynical 20 and 30-something self, who, upon seeing person after person suffer and die in hospitals, scoffs at the above statement. Heck, I’ve just recently been able to say “God” and capitalize it and everything. I had not done so since High School.
Meanwhile, the 7-year self understands fully that the universe, while chaotic, is also a great deal of fun. And where’s it come from, if not from God?

Here I am, 35 years old, and I am both these people, and more. I contain multitudes. I am belief and unbelief. I am realist and optimist and cynic. What I think and feel has a real impact on my life. These things are my life. And today, this morning, I think and feel that I am not a washed up child prodigy. I am not the boy genius who failed to live up to his potential. I am not a failure. These labels are not me, but they harpoon me, cutting a hole in me, subduing my true nature. Playful, instructive, passionate, loving, positive, enigmatic, enthusiastic.

How the Hell did I let the curmudgeon, the cynic, the naysayer, the lollygagger, the slug take over my outlook? And for years! I love those parts of me too, they are me, but they can’t take control. They can’t take things for granted. They can’t let fantasy be more important than my life. They can’t make me abandon the things I love.

This enthusiasm is scary because it feels so fleeting. When the humdrum hits, will the minus come back and snuff out the plus? How can I live and experience my life authentically and still feel the negative emotions? Feeling happy about everything is just another kind of unreality. I want to feel my feelings, and know that I am a person greater than just the sum of my feelings.

I am very thankful to my Transcendental Meditation instructor from High School. The tools I learned in that class have suddenly, 20 years later, proven very useful.

I feel like a pinata right now, bursting!

Integrity, Creativity, Honesty.

I’m back. Back with verve.

Onward.

TUT’s Adventurers Club – Take the Oath and Receive the Notes!
In the face of adversity, uncertainty and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical, infinite, loving reality I live in. A reality that conspires tirelessly in my favor.

I further recognize, that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure, because thoughts become things, dreams come true, and all things remain forever possible.

As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for All. So be it!

Just for today I will respect my own and others’ boundaries.

Revolutionary change requires change from within.

Affirmation/Mantra for the day:

I am capable of changing.

Autobiography in Five Short Chaptersby Portia Nelson

I. I walk down the street.




There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…..I am helpless;



it isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II. I walk down the same street.



There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place;



but it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III. I walk down the same street.



There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in….it’s a habit.



My eyes are open.
I know where I am.

It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV. I walk down the same street.



There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V. I walk down a different street.

It’s not the initial bits of recovery that are the hard bits… it’s the middle bits that are the hardest.

Doing the hard thing, is hard.