October 8th, 2009
Things are difficult in my life right now. I had no idea that I could feel so much as though I had lost my identity. I felt this somewhat when I moved out to Los Angeles from Virginia, but that went away rapidly as I threw myself into work and learning. It happened again when my first marriage imploded. And now, again, here I am at the state where I am not quite certain where it is I am, what I am for, how I am useful. I know I am useful, though I can easily fall into uselessness. I have fallen into pits of despair before and been incommunicado with the outside world. It happens less than it used to, but it still happens sometimes. I have to make things right with the world outside now. Perhaps by making things right with the outside world, my inner life can also feel solace. I remain blessed to have positive thoughts sent to me by various people. I am thankful for that, and for tolerance, and forgiveness.
The photo of Clark Gable and Jean Harlow gives me lots of thoughts. Visually it reminds me of time shared with Leah while watching movies. The act of going to the movies, so common when dating, is something we can always enjoy together. Now, the act of being partners in a marriage; of not allowing resentments to build up; of absolute trust; of empathy for your partners shortcomings — these are things that are much harder. It is something we are working on, though when times are hard, the bar is raised on that task. The more feelings are hurt, the harder it is to work on the common communication and feeling necessary to sustain a marriage. In that spirit Leah and I are figuring out what makes the best sense for the two of us. We’re committed to our relationship, and I think to our marriage–we both seem to believe that a marriage and partnership with each other is what we want in the long term–the problem is that the devil is in the details. How do we get from here (where things are strained) to there? I suppose this is the question for all marriages. But I know part of it is to acknowledge that we are already right where we need to be in the long term. The key is to find the balance that serves us both emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I am grateful to have a partner with whom I can talk about these things, so together we can move onward.