October 20th, 2009
Thank you to all who have offered condolences and warm thoughts in the past weeks.
This photo is from the “Celebration of Life” event we had at Mt. Soledad, the last formal event as part of my Grandfather’s funeral services. Other posts about this are here: Previously, previously, and previously.
I semi-dropped off the grid, quit my dayjob, went freelance, and Leah and I are working our issues out in a mode of honesty and quasi-separation and a sensitivity to good BOUNDARIES. I have acknowledged the fact that yes, she is mentally ill, and yes, that affects our relationship, and no, her feeling shame about that is no good, and me being in denial about that is no good either. I was in denial a long time. So we take it a day at a time, and move forward.
Other changes have been in the area of health. I had had a housemaid’s knee for a full month. It was a collection of viscous fluid just below the skin and over my knee — painful, sensitive. I was concerned it would last forever, that it would need to be drained, etc. Luckily, After 8 weeks it did eventually subside. I got it after falling heavily on pavement on September 12th. It might be hard to see, since I was nearly 400 pounds, is that in the past year I’ve lost about 70 pounds. The numbers are iffy here, because my scale’s accuracy is poor. But I have lost several pants sizes and now fit into shirts I very much did not fit into a year ago. In fact, one pair of pants looks like one of those “big pants weight loss photos” on me. So I’m happy for the weight loss and the better mobility that affords. It’s frustrating to see photos of me and see a fat man, still, but I can see that the fat man is less fat anyway.
Weight loss is maddeningly gradual, and unpredictable for me now. I eat less, and I do more. But I’ve not given up sweets. I tried a Hostess Orange Cupcake and for many months a staple meal was McDonald’s: small coke, milk, 3 chocolate chip cookies, and a double cheeseburger (skip the bun). This is a cheap meal (my boys love the Carl’s Jr. burgers which cost about the same as my whole staple meal), and has been a part of my weight loss non-plan for about 6 months.
The main thing that I can feel has changed has been my awareness of stress eating. Eating out of habit, eating for emotional reasons. MAS has been instrumental in getting me to think about eating. I know I don’t eat as he might recommend me to eat, but I have started to think more about what it means to eat, and fast, and exercise, and live. I never used to do that. To me, the body was not important: it’s the mind – intellectual pursuits are paramount; or the soul – spirituality is the only thing that matters, ultimately. Only with time have I come to realize that a healthy life must encompass all of the parts lest it derail like that train at the beginning of The Fugutive.
So I’m getting back into the swim of things now and feeling better.
The new directions feel good and healthy, for which I’m thankful.