recruiter

In March I wrote about a recruiter calling me “Laurel”:

Today’s bad automated email starts like this:

Hello Elderberry

The following position is open with one of our largest billion dollar clients.

Please review the requirement below with our direct client.If you are interested, please send an updated resume in a word document format and we will call you to further discuss.

NOTE:

I want to apologize in advance if you are receiving this e-mail and it does not match your professional expertise. We utilize a search tool that does its best to match required skills with your skills and in most cases; it is approximately 90% accurate. Resumes that are searched are located on one of 4 major job boards.

If the requirement below does not match your job expectations or your skill set, you may still want to e-mail your resume with the type of position desired. We work on positions throughout the USA and abroad.

Search Engineer
Location: North Hollywood, CA
Job Type: Contract
Duration: 6 months with extension. (potential temp to perm)
Rate: $35 hr.

No, my name is not Elderberry, either. I did live on Elderberry Avenue a little while back.

DATA MINING FAIL.

Setting: MY WORK PHONE RINGS.

Background: PEOPLE HERE COME TO MY DESK, USE IM, OR USE EMAIL. RECRUITERS ON THE OTHER HAND FIND MY RESUME, USE THE CORPORATE DIRECTORY TO TRACK ME DOWN, AND CALL. I HATE THIS, BUT WHAT CAN I DO, NOT ANSWER MY PHONE?)

Recruiter: “Hi Joe, I’m [redacted] from [redacted] we specialize in Oracle and Java recruiting”

Me: “I don’t do either of those things here.”

Recruiter: “Ok, do you know who I should be talking to?”

Me: (WITH DISDAIN) “Nope.”

Recruiter: “Ok, thanks.”

Me: (click)

And, Scene.

Previously

Recruiters who track me down to office phone at my dayjob = INSTANTLY BLACKLISTED FOREVER.

Don’t abuse company directories. The fact that that number does not appear anywhere on any resume I’ve ever posted, anywhere on the web, for the ten years I’ve been posting resumes to the web and to online job search services, might be the giveaway.

Rude idiots.

Todays’ Email:

Dear Laurel,
Just wanted to ping you on a few great companies in the LA area looking for PHP talent. Let me describe the positions briefly, and I’ll include links to more detailed information on my website. If you’re interested, you can email your most current resume to [REDACTED] and we’ll see if we can get a match.

From March 5:

Hey Laurel,
I just stumbled across your resume in our database and was wondering if you were interested in this opportunity.

My reply:

Dear Recruiters:

I’ve gotten two of these now, and they both infuriate and entertain me. I am not named Laurel. My surname is not Springs. My first name is “Joe.” It matches the email address you have contacted me at: joe (at) artlung (dot) com. My last name is Crawford, not Springs. Perhaps you’re confused. In my resume, you can plainly see my name is Joe Crawford. Perhaps in another one I refer to myself as “Joseph Crawford.” Also, you can read that in 2006 I had a contract with Laurel Springs School in Ojai, California.

Sadly though, I did not become the owner of that august institution. Neither was I was inspired to change my name to match the school—that would be quite something!! I worked on web applications in ASP and SQL server there. I had quite a nice time working with very nice people. Also, Ojai is very pretty, though it does get warm in the summer.

I appreciate your email very much, but I hope you’ll understand that it’s very difficult to take you seriously when you and your database have failed so profoundly.

Sincerely,

Joe Crawford

HI,

Good Evening. I found your profile which you have posted in the Google. I got very good job offer for you. I am sending you the details. If you are interested to take this opportunity, kindly send your updated resume with contact details and two references so that I can submit you and put you on board. We deal directly with the client and this position is moving real fast.

Position:Full time
Salary:
Location : San Jose, CA.
Start date immediate

Another 15! In under a day since the last one, I have 15 more for the roll call.

Dice sent me a note that “isn’t it time for you to update your Dice resume?” I did, and I now have 15 in a day, vs. 50 in a month. If you’re in technology and looking for work, Dice seems to be working right now.

• Nidhia
• Justin
• Scott
• Divya
• Rashmi
• Lloyd
• Krishna
• Saroj
• Melvin
• Kavya
• Sherry
• Matthew
• Venkat
• Nina

Incredibly, since the last one, yesterday we have another 10. I love the names.

1. Zahra
2. Nitin
3. Ryan
4. Vidhya
5. Kat
6. Julie
7. Tanvik
8. Kevin
9. Ekta
10. Monica