Heavy Duty Judy

Today was a serious day. I suspect there will be more in the near term. Jennifer and I are currently experiencing technical difficulties with our marital bliss. We have no lack of for worse, for poorer, and in sickness, it’s the good stuff we’re having trouble with now. The plan as it stands is for us to separate next month. We must figure out how to live as individuals. This is a chance for renewal for the both of us I think. I spoke with my family today. Today was the day I broke the news about the Situation As It Stands. They were as understanding and as supportive as I could hope for, and much more than I expected. I laughed. I cried. I was particularly struck with my Father’s unceasing ability to find humor under the worst of circumstances, as he asked “Who will get custody of Che?” I have been amazingly lucky in drawing parents who I can be truthful with without having them explode on me.

I’m at a loss right now as to why I am sharing any of this here. I have not as of yet told my friends. Why make this most sensitive of topics available to anyone who cares to read it? The plain answer is that it feels honest to do so. I’ve been keeping this journal for over a year now, and this is something so earth-shattering that I can’t not put it in here.

Bleeding Into This Textarea

And so it is that I bleed my despairs and hopes into this textarea. How this has come to pass is something I will be pondering and working at in the months and years to come. My desire is always to understand myself and my world. And ideally, have a positive effect there. The problem is that in many ways I have failed myself and my wife in having a positive effect inside my marriage. I have been reading a great deal about marital problems and am trying to inventory those things that have gone so very wrong. It’s my strongest desire that no matter the outcome of my separation from Jennifer, that she have the best life possible. This is what I have always wanted for her, and for myself. I have an inclination that what will be best will be for us to be together, but there is no guarantee whatsoever that that is the preordained outcome.

Again I wonder about the advisability of posting this, but I think that this journal, this space to think, must be a part of my reevaluation of my life and how I live it.

Peace and Love to all of you out there across the world. Peace and Love.

seven comments so far...

[…] has been ongoing for two years now. It’s funny, I didn’t even remember that it was two years ago that Jennifer left and I was forced to confront my own life. Forced to do this painful […]

[…] that talking about it would jinx and embarrass me. But bottom line: I’ve lost 55 pounds since the separation started. Much of this was just grief-related / depression-related lack of interest in food (and a general […]

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