Occupying My Mind

Today has been full. I cleaned up some in the apartment. I threw away some junk. I made a pile of cool stuff that’s not wanted. I made a web page detailing same, and put them up for sale. I went to Kinko’s to get a color copy. I got a short haircut. I bought a pair of shorts, a belt, toothpaste and laundry detergent at K-mart. I took a shower and shaved. I went out to see Spider-Man with a friend of mine and her boyfriend. I got to know them a little bit when we went to Borders. I bought a book about relationships and the CD of the girl with the current “1000 Miles” hit. I ate chips and guacamole and beef and chicken fajitas with them at Chevy’s. I came home and did some dishes. I watched some of Enterprise. I watched Six Feet Under. I went for a mile walk to Twiggs in University Heights. I passed tiny little antique store – Gala – and they had cute things. They had some fun kitsch there. I drank a hot chocolate and read for 40 minutes. I walked down to El Cajon Boulevard, and all the way up it. I saw a drunk couple stopped at a car dealership while the man peed against a telephone pole. I heard a Mexican corrido band playing for a party that was ending. I picked up a Gatorade and The Reader. I came home. There are no new messages on the phone or in email. I wrote this post. Inside I am hollow and destroyed now. But somehow I will recover my Self. I am burning away the layers of delusion and habit and reactivity. I am learning that what I thought was pretty good and pretty stable, was actually a tender thing. I am learning what it means to be abandoned. I am learning to feel how my wife has felt for the past year and a half. Alone, abandoned, powerless. I have said too much and now I must go to sleep. I will now go to bed. The cat is here in the easy chair with me, asleep. He is not human, but he does comfort me.