Spring 2004 San Diego California USA (My Big Head)ArtLung


Last week was busy and rough. I’ve been quiet and busy, and successful and unsuccessful.

I spent my entire Saturday the Saturday before last working on a take-home test for my Statistics Class. On Dr T’s Math Pages you can see the results. I got a 92 for my efforts. I’d have preferred a 100, of course, but the fact that the lowest test grade is dropped helps me there. Being that there were only 3 tests (the final will come in a few weeks), that’s not a lot. But part of me is vexed that I can’t say I’m “top kid” as Edward James-Olmos calls one of his students in “Stand and Deliver.” Still, an A is an A, and I should be content with a performance that’s going to be positive.

On another note, last week brought me a zero for a major project in my Java class. I overextended myself to go over and above what was required of an assignment creating a Swing GUI and discovered bugs in Swing that prevented the UI from working properly. This ended up bogging me down in getting the interface right, and I was unable to deliver. Thus, zero.

That said, I’ve done so many extra-credit “stars” in this class that the underperformance still leaves me sitting with a 98-100 average. But it depressed the hell out of me last week. I had a hard time reconciling myself to this mistake. I am struggling to recognize that a mistake I make is not me. In my mind, a mistake = me. When I get a zero, I AM A ZERO. This thinking is not rational, though it has spurred me to excel in many areas. But from a mental health point of view, I can’t see that it’s terrible constructive. Finding that balance — between trying to be a high achiever, and being an emotionally well-balanced person — is something I’m looking at more.

Frankly, dealing with this has been percolating in my head to such an extent that I have neglected this site and many other responsibilities. The past several months is teaching me a great deal about how to be. It’s real work. But I think the perspecting I’m gaining are building a foundation for myself. In some sense I feel like the end of my marriage was the beginning of Joe Crawford 2.0. Or maybe 4.0. Probably the defining events for me in my life were these:

  1. Joe Crawford 1.0: Being Born
  2. Joe Crawford 1.5: Skipped a grade from Kindergarden to First Grade
  3. Joe Crawford 2.0: Experiences in the Phillippines
  4. Joe Crawford 3.0: April 1, 1988 Details redacted
  5. Joe Crawford 3.5: Becoming a Respiratory Therapist and being good at it
  6. Joe Crawford 3.9: Moving to Los Angeles
  7. Joe Crawford 4.0: Marriage dissolves; All that came before is broken down and will be rebuilt with truth and love

4.0 has been ongoing for two years now. It’s funny, I didn’t even remember that it was two years ago that Jennifer left and I was forced to confront my own life. Forced to do this painful uncomfortable thing and ask questions of myself: “who am i?” — and be prepared to answer that question, with truth about the good and bad and neutral things that make me me.

And about facing the truths that are uncomfortable — I continue to seek the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thanks for reading and listening to me today.

posted this 19 years ago.
What else did he post in May 2004?

(Monday May 10th 2004 at 2:17pm)

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