“Things are difficult”

Clark Gable and Jean Harlow

Things are difficult in my life right now. I had no idea that I could feel so much as though I had lost my identity. I felt this somewhat when I moved out to Los Angeles from Virginia, but that went away rapidly as I threw myself into work and learning. It happened again when my first marriage imploded. And now, again, here I am at the state where I am not quite certain where it is I am, what I am for, how I am useful. I know I am useful, though I can easily fall into uselessness. I have fallen into pits of despair before and been incommunicado with the outside world. It happens less than it used to, but it still happens sometimes. I have to make things right with the world outside now. Perhaps by making things right with the outside world, my inner life can also feel solace. I remain blessed to have positive thoughts sent to me by various people. I am thankful for that, and for tolerance, and forgiveness.

The photo of Clark Gable and Jean Harlow gives me lots of thoughts. Visually it reminds me of time shared with Leah while watching movies. The act of going to the movies, so common when dating, is something we can always enjoy together. Now, the act of being partners in a marriage; of not allowing resentments to build up; of absolute trust; of empathy for your partners shortcomings — these are things that are much harder. It is something we are working on, though when times are hard, the bar is raised on that task. The more feelings are hurt, the harder it is to work on the common communication and feeling necessary to sustain a marriage. In that spirit Leah and I are figuring out what makes the best sense for the two of us. We’re committed to our relationship, and I think to our marriage–we both seem to believe that a marriage and partnership with each other is what we want in the long term–the problem is that the devil is in the details. How do we get from here (where things are strained) to there? I suppose this is the question for all marriages. But I know part of it is to acknowledge that we are already right where we need to be in the long term. The key is to find the balance that serves us both emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I am grateful to have a partner with whom I can talk about these things, so together we can move onward.

six comments so far...

I just have to say that I think you two are so wonderful. I hope things work out in the very best way possible.

I “Stumbledupon” your blog tonight and read your last entry. I can empathize with your thoughts. You don’t know me and nor should you even listen to me but, there’s always a “but” isn’t there, you said something telling in your entry. You said something to the effect of “perhaps you are where you should be”. You are. It may not make any sense but it does in the big picture. May I recommend a book both of you could read? It’s call “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. It’s a really good book. I’m reading another by him called “The Mastery Of Love” It may come off a little metaphysical but you’ll gain some insights from both. Stay the course.

I listened to a great story about a couple on This American Life today and they had a great quote: “everyone asks how you met, they never ask how you worked to stay together”.

Also: hey, hi! This is me opening my feed reader for the first time in *years* because Oso quit Facebook and it made me remember how I first got to know him and you back in San Diego – through your blogs.

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