Spinning sounds right. The basic facts are these: I have been not taking care of myself, my needs, and fell into negative patterns. I got whacked upside the head as my patterns hurt others: Leah, but also, and maybe mainly, myself. Leah no longer trusts me, and may not ever. We’re separated psychologically at this moment, and it’s hard. I have myself, mostly, though we’re less separated and more congenial than any other separated couple I’ve ever met.

So in the past two weeks I’ve come to some realizations about my life and implemented radical changes. Counseling. Making old debts right. Working hard. Going to Church. Getting support from friends, family, support groups. Kicking porn. Going to confession. Believing in God. Playing racquetball. Eating better.

I’m trying to take care of myself. This is the hard thing. I have a tendency to make the one I’m with everything. What I need to do is be okay in my own skin.