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Should You Be Worried About Joe? Big Update
The $50,000 question these days I find myself asking myself is this. Am I going to be okay? Do things really work themselves out? Does time heal all wounds? Will Batman escape the clutches of the nefarious Dr. Freeze?

I am confronted more and more with my own optimism. It’s been more than 3 months since Jenny and I separated. At the beginning of that time, I was in constant, crushing pain. I was immobilized, lost my appetite, was crying constantly, and making tremendously bad decisions about how to act. Gradually I’ve tried to get my ass in gear and take care of myself. I have turned my powers of observation and problem solving on their ear. My appetite for mastery of computer and internet technologies, my obsession for understanding, and applied that to my own life.

I’ve been doing the forensic analysis of my life, and my marriage. Hospitals have a concept – the M&M conference. These “mortality and morbidity” conferences are where frank discussions about what deaths and injuries occur in the hospital. The idea is to learn from mistakes, and improve the quality of care in the hospital. I think of what I have been doing as the chance to do that kind of soul searching. I have been lucky that Jennifer also came to be willing to do this kind of work.

I have expressed to Jennifer personally how thankful I am to her for engaging in joint counseling with me. I now also do so publicly. Thank you Jenny.

This notion of my public face is so odd. I always have known that my web space is public. I have found, though, that my increased notoriety brings more visitors. And not just visitors, respondents! I have gotten much good advice, empathy, and love from these kind people. Add to that, my mother, and some members of my family check in here to see what Joe’s up to.

I wonder about this? I have become somewhat self-conscious about it all. I can’t tell that I’ve altered my behavior, or what I say here, but I am conscious of it. I suppose this is a taste of fame. For some, it inflates egos, for some, it destroys. I find that the dose I have gotten maybe makes me even more skeptical of fame than ever. Like I’m getting an inoculation from seeking fame somehow.

But really, I seek tonight to answer that question. Should You Be Worried About Joe? I believe the answer is no. Particularly over something like the poem from the other night, do not fret. At 1 in the morning, I’m sure I’m more dramatic and maudlin than I am at other times of the day. I think you should think of this blog as only a sampling of my experiences and life. It’s not the sum total of my life. I’ve been reading a biography of Georgia O’Keeffe these days. What has struck me is how much happens in a life, and that incapsulating it all is impossible. At best we get truthful glimpses. My hope is that this space, this blog, provides something like that. But it’s not everything. Not by a longshot.

So please, take my whimpers of pain with grains of salt. Sometimes I’m more down than others. I cry easily these days. My Grandmother says that’s her family’s influence—the emotional edginess that can strike unexpectedly. I think I feel empowered that I can now say that at times in my life I struggle with depression. I think that knowing this about myself makes me more capable to cope with it. I always assumed that stoicism and time will heal anything. But now I find myself in the position of needing to be able to step outside myself and watch myself. This shift in perspective has been beneficial. What am I doing? Why do I do it? How do I feel? Listening to my self is a must if I’m to live an authentic life.

So what’s new? Well, tonight Jenny, Erin and I went and saw the Margaret Cho concert movie. It was great to see Jenny. Our friend Tracy was supposed to go, but she was in a car wreck the other day, and found out today that the car is a total loss. Dealing with the financial aspects of that, as well as being shaken up by a bad accident, and add to that a cracked sternum and real pain—I realize that I’m very lucky. I’m having good thoughts for Tracy now. I want things to work out for her.

Anyway, though I saw Jenny briefly, I would like to see her again, perhaps this weekend. We’ll see if that works out, schedule-wise. Joint counseling went so well last week that we’re taking several weeks off. The lines of communication are super-open, and we are talking and communicating. I’m very pleased to have her as a friend—as a person with whom I can share confidences. She’s a remarkable woman, and I would like her to be happy. I would like to continue exploring our friendship, for I have no idea where we are headed.

Additionally, I think it’s time to acknowledge here that I’ve engaged in an outside relationship during this separation. The intensity of this relationship has dwindled and changed of late. I have been honest and forthright about this with my parents and sister, and with my closest friends, this includes Jennifer. I don’t feel the shame over it that I think I would have. It’s peculiar to write about it now. It’s peculiar to mention it so publicly. But for some reason, I feel I should. It’s an important aspect of my experience of the past months. It is no longer a romance, but a great deal of the pain I have felt lately I can tell is over that. This is something that has been on my mind a great deal, and watching myself and my behavior has shed light on motives and mistakes I have made in the past 20 years of decisions, feelings and attitudes about women. I am deciding to keep talk like this unspecific. I have no desire to air every one of my character flaws; I do not want to embarass or expose anyone I care about to trouble. Suffice it to say that I am clearly a human being, and I have made mistakes, some large, some small, in my life. And with luck, like an M&M conference, my thinking about these incidents will help me learn to provide better care.

In this case, the patient is me. I must take care of myself. Interestingly, this is the advice my parent’s gave me three months ago: that I needed to use this time to take care of myself. And again, there’s a reminder of how lucky I am.

The effort I am currently engaged in is to take care of myself.

As many of you have noted, I like to sign off messages of this depth with…

Onward.

Cyber Cafe in Pacific Beach
I picked up a flyer at Con about a new Cybercafe: Wired Cyber Cafe / Internet Access and PC Games / $3 per hour ($2 minimum) / Open Every Day 9:30am-10:30pm+ / 853 Hornblend St, Pacific Beach (Behind Long’s on Mission) The flyer lists a phone number of 858-490-8060. I’ve never been there. Perhaps sometime.

Shoe Photoshop

Yesterday I got up very early. I went to a continental breakfast thing about learning to deal with the media. It was mostly for Public Relations people, but I deal with the press rather often these days, and knowing how to approach and not approach them is a valuable skill. So anyway, that was productive.

Work, thankfully, was good. I had a pleasant day.

After one o’clock I decided I’d get a shoeshine. I had worn my black shoes – my Doc Martens, which I’ve had for about 8 years now. They looked really shabby. Along the front ridge of the shoes was wear and tear, and what was once black, had faded to gray. I’d never thought—no, that’s not true—I’d wanted to do something about it, but just didn’t care that much. A kind of “shoe apathy” set in. I have been ignoring my outward appearance for so long, that I just don’t give a damn about such things. But for some reason, that early morning networking event made me want to improve my shoes.

So I thought Horton Plaza or the train station (recommened by Sassy would have a shoeshine stand. I remember from my childhood there being one of those stands with the 2 chairs on a riser, and a fellow or two shining a businessman’s shoes – but I walked to Horton Plaza, then to Santa Fe Depot – and no go. I did find one out in front of the Wyndham Emerald Plaza. The proprieter was very nice. I asked him how much, ($5) and got on up on the stand.

The guy – maybe in his 50s – grey hair, quiet, I think he was an immigrant but he didn’t speak enough for me to place the accent. Watching him work, and the people walking by, was a delight. Having your point of view at about 10 feet above the city street as people walk by is really great. People look up at you a little, but you can peoplewatch with impunity! I remember one women, perhaps late 30s, blond. She was wearing a flimsy skirt, which was blowing in the wind down Broadway. She was compensating for it by holding her left hand behind her back and checking that the skirt stayed down. I’m sure I’ve noticed women doing this before, but I found this fascinating. Not so much because she was attractive, but maybe because it was like I was seeing this issue (women need to be cognizant of skirts not doing the Marilyn thing when they don’t want them to) and I was fascinated. As much as I’m becoming more aware of how I look, I’m glad I don’t have all the expectations that American culture puts on women. That’s like an order of magnitude mode baggage!

I digress. The shoeshine man was really an artist. With his brushes and polish and lots of elaborate motions he worked through the roughed leather and put down new coats of black stuff (varnish?) . He spent about 35 minutes applying 2 coats of the stuff, with the rough brushes, and soft brushes in between. At the end he took what looked like a denim rag and buffed both shoes, at times there was an audible “snap!” across the shoes. This was an impressive audio-visual spectacle for me. I mean, what do I know from shoeshines. I had never gotten one! But I began to think of his work as not so different from my working in Photoshop. Applying layer after layer, carefully massaging each layer, until an image emerges that is the one that the Photoshopper wants.

And yes, I’m aware that I can slip into grandiosity.

Yesterday was a good day. And I think there are more good days to come. I’m feeling good more of the time. I’m learning a lot about myself (it’s not all just shoeshines and La Jolla Cove) – and I hope to continue this process of learning just who this Joe Crawford character is.

...the right of the people peaceably to assemble… On Friday Jenny and I went to see Michael Moore on his book tour. He wrote Stupid White Men, which was nearly pulped, if not for the action of some stalwart librarians. Read about that on his site. There was an amazing turnout for conservative Navy town San Diego. The Middle School (auditorium? hall?) was filled, and Jenny and I were left outside. We got there maybe half an hour before his scheduled to speak, and they were already full. I’m not sure what the numbers were, but it was hundreds. Luckily, Mike took the time to speak to us (the slacking latecomers) before he went inside. He was inspiring, and charismatic, and funny. The book looks to be worth a look. Mike has a new round of acerbic satirical comment. He spoke about the process of getting the book to the public, and the state of the world, and had some intriguing questions he left us with about events related to 9/11.

Michael Moore’s Five Questions about 9/11 for George W Bush:
1. When domestic aviation was shut down after 9/11, there was one private airliner that was allowed to fly, a private jet, picking up members of the Bin Laden family, and taking them out of the USA. (ref: November 2001 / New Yorker / House of Bin Laden / by Jane Mayer url: http://www.newyorker.com/fact/content/?011112fa_FACT3 Why was this special permission allowed?

2. Your former oil company, Arbusto, was financed in part by the Bin Laden family, can you tell us more about this connection?

3. In this bbc article, it is mentioned that Afghanistan might be the location of an oil pipeline. At the time Dick Cheney was the chairman of Halliburton, an oil and pipeline services company which had many dealings with UNOCAL. What is this about?

4. Why did the USA give the Taleban government $43 million in May of 2001in humanitarian aid and in part to support the Afghani poppy industry?

5. Several outlets have reported that Osama bin Laden needs, and gets Dialysis, why don’t we hear more about this fact given that it may tend to impact how well he may or not be surviving our current offensives?

I’m paraphrasing, but these are nice food for thought. Moore said he would be sending these questions along to his newsletter and would be posting them to his site.

Civil Liberties Quote of the Day

When your government, employer, landlord, merchant, banker and local sports team gang up to picture, digitize and permanently record your every activity, you are placed under unprecedented control. This is not some alarmist Orwellian scenario; it is here, now, financed by $20 billion last year and $15 billion more this year of federal money appropriated out of sheer fear.

By creating the means to monitor 300 million visits to the U.S. yearly, this administration and a supine opposition are building a system capable of identifying, tracking and spying on 300 million Americans. So far, the reaction has been a most un-American docility.

The most powerful image in Heroes a tribute and benefit from Comics artists to the heroes of 9/11/2001 is by Igor Kordey and Chris Chuckry. I think Kordey put down the ink, and Chuckry the color. It’s a powerful image – a POV of the terrorists—seeing the determined, but scared passengers moving to challenge men with icepicks and boxcutters. I think it’s more striking than the images of firefigters, police, medical personnel – because we have so many images of them in real life.

It’s worth visiting a Comic Book shop for. At $3.50, the price is reasonable, and it’s a good cause.