I want something I did last night to be understood.
Last night I made a phone call to the person Jenny said she was going to see romantically – Jeremy. I got the phone number from one of the phone bills, and I managed to figure out that that was the one. I left a message with a person I suppose was a roommate — “Tell him that Joe Crawford called, and I left my number” — with no malice or anger in my voice whatsoever — I don’t know what I expected, but I was curious to speak with this person who I feel has had a substantial impact on my life.
I bear this person no ill will, and intend to do nothing stupid. It was just a phone call, after all. Apparently this person was upset and let Jenny know that I called, rather than call me back.
Anyway, I want it known that I did not intend to violate any privacy. It was more out of curiosity over the separation and broken marriage vows that concerned me. I was curious to talk to this person, and I’m not ashamed of that.
If Jeremy has no desire to talk to me, so be it — I won’t pursue it. But I’m in a stage where any legal and reasonable avenue of inquiry and exploration is open to me. I’m reading books, I’m going to therapy, I’m sending flowers, I’m consulting with family, I’m consulting with friends, and yes, I make phone calls and emails to people I don’t know. I don’t feel ashamed for any of my actions thus far. I’ve been honest and forthright altogether. I have WOKEN UP to my faults and failings, and hope to be a better person for it. I also intend for Jennifer to know that I do have great affection for her, and love her. I don’t expect ANYTHING I do to be a “magic potion” which will win her back. I will be making mistakes. Probably lots of them. That phone call, this entry — these may be mistakes. But I’ll never do anything wrong or illegal, and I’ll never hurt anyone. I know very well that that won’t solve anything.
I am trying to build a my life up again. I very much feel as though I was killed, and am struggling to come back from the dead.
