The Exhaustion Of Emotion; The Getting On With Life Of It All

I’m exhausted.

I feel good.

It’s Sunday morning.

Got up early, hoping to get a start to the day.

But there’s nothing really to do today. But I’d like it to be mellow. That easy feeling has been something I’ve been after this past week. The wet weather has been a catalyst for some of that feeling. The sound of the rain. The smell of it certainly enhances calm.

I want to muster some motivation today, but I think I’m pleased with mellow.

I have some things to report.

Some good things. Almost all good things, really.

Last week, on Thursday, my wife Jennifer, from whom I have now been separated for four months, had our last session of joint counseling. “Last session of joint counseling” may sound like a negative thing. It’s not. In fact, we find ourselves dear friends. The lines of communication are so great that we find we can talk about work, about family, about outside relationships we are having, about travel, about movies, everything. It’s a wonder.

At the beginning of this separation, I was a shambles. I was smoking ruin. I’m reminded of the line from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the galaxy describing going through hyperspace as “unpleasantly like being drunk” — the inevitable question being “what’s wrong with being drunk?” — the reply of course is:

“Ask a glass of water.”

And that’s how I felt. I was battered and remaindered and cast off. I felt like a dead man.

The progress I’ve made, and the things that have happened since I was torn away and replaced with something new have done nothing but amaze me.

I have:
» desperately sought a return to my wife
» taken a trip to washington dc
» seen the new star wars movie
» started therapy
» played a lot of racquetball
» snuba’d at molokini crater in hawaii
» seen the air and space smithsonian in washington
» watercolored
» fallen out of love with my wife
» rediscovered my wife as a friend
» cat-sit for my wife
» sent desperate flowers to my wife
» sent stupid email to my wife
» made stupid phone calls to my wife
» felt betrayed
» felt like a failure
» beaten myself up
» gotten involved with a 12-step program
» been on a radio show talking about it all
» seen norah jones live
» spoken with beautiful wonderful women for hours
» taken loads of items to goodwill
» been asked to take a leave of absence from work
» done work in asp/access
» learned much more about application architecture
» gotten a new g4
» began banking online
» fallen in love
» learned about o’keeffe and stieglitz
» tried to model myself and another person on o’keeffe and stieglitz
» learned that i actually need to be myself
» learned that we are all alone in the universe
» learned that many people love me
» learned that people forgive me my failures
» learned that people surprise me every day
» learned that i love people very much
» learned that i may have the most wonderful parents and sister in the world
» learned that friends i have cultivated for decades are still my friends if i am a screw-up
» cried a great deal
» and sobbed
» woken up crying
» gone to bed crying
» shrieked in the car in anguish many many times
» stopped thinking that every problem in the world is my responsibility
» sold a cappucino maker
» started eating tiger’s milk bars
» enjoyed the wonder of soyrizo
» lost sixty-five pounds
» decided walking is okay
» learned to like doing the laundry
» bought the new negro problem cd
» burned several mix cds for friends and family
» tried to appreciate life
» tried to appreciate existence
» questioned my lack of faith
» tried to see the good in the universe
» tried not to turn away from the bad in the universe
» decided that i don’t believe in god
» decided that i do believe in love
» decided that i want to explore those last two even more
» decided that i love women
» decided that i don’t have to grow old with every woman whose company i enjoy
» decided i need to learn how to date
» made dinner for jennifer
» had dinner made for me by jennifer
» had many other meals with many other people
» learned that lunches with friends and others can provide more than just nutrition
» realized that people actually read this blog
» they often have good ideas and have been wonderful to me
» decided to continue this peculiar public journaling
» improved a great deal emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually

So on Friday night my Grandfather had a birthday. It was very cool. At one point he expressed a desire for his brother, who died some years ago. It was a big blow. It is unlike him to express emotion, but clearly he was feeling loss at the thought of his brother. My Grandfather is a good man. I don’t know what else to say about it. We all have our journeys and mysteries don’t we? Even if we have had eighty-four years of experience and struggle and love and conflict and joys, we still have more to live. There is always more to live.

Life is a puzzle, and a gift, and pain. But it is worth cherishing.


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