September, 2002: 82 posts.

You can get FZ:OZ here (it’s from 1976, new, live, from Australia, and is great — I really like the version of “Take Your Clothes Off When You Dance” on this double CD — also, my name’s in the liner notes (middle page of the liner notes, lower right quadrant) because I preordered. In other news, zappa.com has updated recently.

half-jokingly…
I was joking around with a buddy of mine — looking at San Diego Reader Classifieds – particularly the personals. I drafted what my own personal ad would be. I would never actually put this up, but here’s what it would be. I post it here at my peril. 🙂

eclectic man, 32, separated and evolving, seeking intense honest friendships with awake and alert beautiful women. must know html.

It made me laugh to write this. More of a fun thing than a serious thing. Perhaps there needs a site for personal ads for people who would never place a personal ad?

     I’m a complicated dude.
          – Me

In the highest praise yet for Google, China (as in “great firewall of China”) appears to have begun blocking google.

Dissident search engines.

It must be the future.

Well, I keep on thinkin’ ’bout you,
Sister Golden Hair surprise
And I just can’t live without you;
can’t you see it in my eyes?
Now I been one poor correspondent,
and I been too, too hard to find
But it doesn’t mean
you ain’t been on my mind

Via Chris Ford: a really cool gallery Flash app: PhotoSpace.

But several countries have nuclear weapons, and none has found them very useful in making others do their bidding. Israel hasn’t been able to force its neighbors to accept its treatment of the Palestinians. India hasn’t coerced Pakistan to give up its claims to Kashmir. China hasn’t succeeded in reclaiming Taiwan. — from the Washington Times of all places! And more, that piece is about why we should not attack Iraq!

Hey! Today, I’m really busy. Errands for this early morning. Then one project for this morning. Then lunch out. Then another project this afternoon. Then racquetball this evening. Then a draft of a thing for WebSanDiego.org. Time to leap into the day!

Christina Aguilera, who I often talk about, has a new single coming soon — Dirrty — I grabbed a copy taped from a station in New York off of Limewire. I think I like it. I can’t account for how the girl dresses, but it’s fun to be a fan of hers. If you want more Christina scoops – news about the single and the new album coming soon – check christinaaguilera.to.

Yes, I know Dirrty is misspelled.

Yes I know it’s silly.

Today has gone flawlessly so far. Freelance work has gone well. Did some billable time. Got a greenlight on a nice-sized project. Feels nice. I saw Jenny for lunch, and that was great. I like her. She’s nifty. I feel lucky that I don’t feel ill will toward her. She’s a cool person to know. And she brought me gifts from her trip to San Francisco! She’s a sweetie.

Ting Ting Jahe, it’s the very best!

Okay, back to work.

Word of the day yesterday: Kaizen.

Too much to blog, so instead I will blog very little.

But things are good. The blog will catch up with my life this weekend.

I’m tired now.

Janece [blog], points out that my FAQ was telling people to go to hire me via my old job. Well sheesh, that’s not true. If you want to hire, just get in touch with me right here through the feedback page.

Why Would You Hire Me?
There’s no site to small, no task too trivial. Here on the Crawford homestead, we enjoy working on websites! Whether it’s debugging a perl script, doing a site map, doing a linkcheck, building out a site, designing a site, doing a needs assessment, training, teaching, tutoring — I do it all. Rates are reasonable, and needs are simple, so I can steer you to smart reasonable solutions. What are you waiting for? Drop me a note!

the websandiego site was updated recently, and is undergoing continuous quality improvement. visit, won’t you? among the changes — the resources page has been updated. Also changes to all the headers and footers. If you have a comment feel free to holler at me.

I’m exhausted.

I feel good.

It’s Sunday morning.

Got up early, hoping to get a start to the day.

But there’s nothing really to do today. But I’d like it to be mellow. That easy feeling has been something I’ve been after this past week. The wet weather has been a catalyst for some of that feeling. The sound of the rain. The smell of it certainly enhances calm.

I want to muster some motivation today, but I think I’m pleased with mellow.

I have some things to report.

Some good things. Almost all good things, really.

Last week, on Thursday, my wife Jennifer, from whom I have now been separated for four months, had our last session of joint counseling. “Last session of joint counseling” may sound like a negative thing. It’s not. In fact, we find ourselves dear friends. The lines of communication are so great that we find we can talk about work, about family, about outside relationships we are having, about travel, about movies, everything. It’s a wonder.

At the beginning of this separation, I was a shambles. I was smoking ruin. I’m reminded of the line from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the galaxy describing going through hyperspace as “unpleasantly like being drunk” — the inevitable question being “what’s wrong with being drunk?” — the reply of course is:

“Ask a glass of water.”

And that’s how I felt. I was battered and remaindered and cast off. I felt like a dead man.

The progress I’ve made, and the things that have happened since I was torn away and replaced with something new have done nothing but amaze me.

I have:
» desperately sought a return to my wife
» taken a trip to washington dc
» seen the new star wars movie
» started therapy
» played a lot of racquetball
» snuba’d at molokini crater in hawaii
» seen the air and space smithsonian in washington
» watercolored
» fallen out of love with my wife
» rediscovered my wife as a friend
» cat-sit for my wife
» sent desperate flowers to my wife
» sent stupid email to my wife
» made stupid phone calls to my wife
» felt betrayed
» felt like a failure
» beaten myself up
» gotten involved with a 12-step program
» been on a radio show talking about it all
» seen norah jones live
» spoken with beautiful wonderful women for hours
» taken loads of items to goodwill
» been asked to take a leave of absence from work
» done work in asp/access
» learned much more about application architecture
» gotten a new g4
» began banking online
» fallen in love
» learned about o’keeffe and stieglitz
» tried to model myself and another person on o’keeffe and stieglitz
» learned that i actually need to be myself
» learned that we are all alone in the universe
» learned that many people love me
» learned that people forgive me my failures
» learned that people surprise me every day
» learned that i love people very much
» learned that i may have the most wonderful parents and sister in the world
» learned that friends i have cultivated for decades are still my friends if i am a screw-up
» cried a great deal
» and sobbed
» woken up crying
» gone to bed crying
» shrieked in the car in anguish many many times
» stopped thinking that every problem in the world is my responsibility
» sold a cappucino maker
» started eating tiger’s milk bars
» enjoyed the wonder of soyrizo
» lost sixty-five pounds
» decided walking is okay
» learned to like doing the laundry
» bought the new negro problem cd
» burned several mix cds for friends and family
» tried to appreciate life
» tried to appreciate existence
» questioned my lack of faith
» tried to see the good in the universe
» tried not to turn away from the bad in the universe
» decided that i don’t believe in god
» decided that i do believe in love
» decided that i want to explore those last two even more
» decided that i love women
» decided that i don’t have to grow old with every woman whose company i enjoy
» decided i need to learn how to date
» made dinner for jennifer
» had dinner made for me by jennifer
» had many other meals with many other people
» learned that lunches with friends and others can provide more than just nutrition
» realized that people actually read this blog
» they often have good ideas and have been wonderful to me
» decided to continue this peculiar public journaling
» improved a great deal emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually

…

So on Friday night my Grandfather had a birthday. It was very cool. At one point he expressed a desire for his brother, who died some years ago. It was a big blow. It is unlike him to express emotion, but clearly he was feeling loss at the thought of his brother. My Grandfather is a good man. I don’t know what else to say about it. We all have our journeys and mysteries don’t we? Even if we have had eighty-four years of experience and struggle and love and conflict and joys, we still have more to live. There is always more to live.

Life is a puzzle, and a gift, and pain. But it is worth cherishing.

Onward.

» Web Blog
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I’d like to go to this: thelavenderfields.com — Welcome to The Lavender Fields, an organic lavender farm in the foothills of the Palomar mountains in northern San Diego county California, where we grow Lavandula x intermedia ‘Provence’, commonly referred to as ‘French Lavender’, known for its powerful, sweet fragrance and abundant display.

Googlecooking

Christina Aguilera Returns, Her Image Remade

Joel talks about Platforms in the software business. Interesting… As a platform vendor, you’re only as successful as the people who build on you.

A more subtle problem is when platform vendors don’t think they have a platform, they think they have an application. Read the whole thing.

So yesterday I chatted with Joanie, another San Diego Blogger. It was quite good conversation. She’s been reading my travails for some time, and had some interesting perspectives on it all. She herself is in the midst of a separation, and is having adventures of her own. She seems a genuine person to me. She’s charming and funny and definitely has opinions I disagree with vociferiously. She’s also a nice person, which makes her sound dull, but she’s clearly not that.

Anyway, I had Chai, and she had some kind of Strawberry shake thing, and we chatted for several hours at a local Coffeehouse. Entirely pleasant.

Hit Charade: The music industry’s self-inflicted wounds.

Bud Plant: From the front lines at the 2002 San Diego Comic-Con (from August).

Apple’s mysterious Marklar, OSX on x86.

What is an otaku?

On Sharing with a Partner:
Share with me that you’re a human being. is the sentiment people want. (via a friend)

Yesterday I had lunch with some friends from High School.

I don’t keep up with people from High School.

The way I think of my formative schooling years, I have almost no desire to be reminded of how I felt about myself. And more, how I took to heart the judgements of the great mass of kids in school.

I’ve been out of High School for 15 years now. As I type that I’m quite amazed. It’s not that I feel old, it’s just that so much has happened in that time.

So it’s all the more fascinating to me to have friendships that seem long since passed, and have them be renewed. It was a delight, really. More camraderie, and good talk with people I’m comfortable with, can only be a good thing. All that, and food at Milton’s, a great restaurant, deli up in Del Mar.

Another renewed relationship is with a a woman I worked with at UVa, oh, 10 years ago. she contacted me just the other day. This is another blessing of this blog. I of course write about my troubles, and so she wrote me with her own troubles. We spoke on the phone a bit later, and she’s going through marital ickiness. I feel for her.

Here’s where I complain about the fact that things never get to be easy.

But the books I’ve read indicate that life is hard, and this is what strengthens our character. It is the struggle to overcome our own fears and doubts, and the challenges that we have every day, that makes us better people.

I know that I’ve improved myself while under the stress of the past four months.

But it would be hard for me to imagine a life where life was that stressful, all the time. I think people do it though. “Lives of quiet desperation,” it is said.

For me, I can’t stay quiet.

The key is to retain hope, and to share the journey with people on the same trip.

Yesterday, Tom Bickle pointed out a bug in my site for Netscape 4.79. Yikes! And me of Mr. Super-clean-accessible code! Thanks a million Tom!

In other news, yes, several very kind people have complimented me on the new site header. Thanks. I’m also making subtle changes all around the site. New imagery on the FAQ and in the Words sections. Words has gotten a layout shift, too. tell me what you think.

Kynn is going to go to the Middle East and be smart. Cool!

There’s a new interface for the Headers page — and there are quite a few of them. Some highlights: see the old “pageboy” haircut from January 2000, and see when I got my haircut in August 2000, a great picture of Jenny and I in Washington State from our trip in March 2001, a great picture of flowers, also from March 2001, something with Frank and Christina, an upside down flag, a downbeat Nietzsche reference, something green, a great Christmas tree, something with me in headphones, the first one following the separation, and the most recent, Onward.

I get a lot of joy doing those headers. They are mini-creative projects. Tiny digital artifacts that make me happy.

A fun article about one of my favorite music artists, Stew / The Negro Problem.

The Panther Moderns had suits like these in Neuromancer — invisibility cloaks!. Now the concept has been patented.

Jenny sent me the page for This American Life Audio Archives. Bookmarkable!

A friend sent me Chinese-Art.com. They have lots of good articles, picture, and more. Feed your head.

Trouble in the L.A. blogging community: here’s the L.A. Times story that started it, as well as pushbacl — here’s one and here’s another. I found these via Doc Searls.

Today started with racquetball. I enjoy the game. I’m very tired. After that, I came home and had some leftover Chinese food, Szechuan Beef and rice. This weekend needs to be mellow. I’ve been busy this week, and I’m hoping for mellow. Something I really need to do is update my resume. It’s terribly out of date, and I find people asking for it. I also need to update the portfolio. Also on the to do list is updating joecrawford.com. I intend to make that my elevator speech for the services I provide. Oi. And I need to print up some business cards too. Well, there’s a lot to do, but I can approach it with a mellow attitude. This is my goal for the weekend.

It’s been a while since I had a proper walk. Yesterday afternon/evening I walked to dinner (well, supper, really), at abour 4pm. I had a Turkey dinner at local diner (open 24 hours!) Rudford’s. It was pretty good, though not great. The price was good though, and I got to read. I’m about one fourth through Dangerous Kitchen, which gets better with every page. It integrates many articles and interviews I’ve read, as well as material on previous iconoclastic composers (Stravinsky, Varese, Ives). The book puts Zappa into a historical context that I find striking.

I enjoyed dinner, then I walked over to Hollywood Video. It’s been remodeled. In previous visits I’ve been amazed at how unkempt the place was. Boxes on the floor, videos unsorted; it was a mess.

But yesterday, it was spic and span. More, it had a whole new “store within a store” – called Game Crazy. Many racks of games, and chain link fence around a subsection. I suppose it looks “extreme.” I rented three movies: Spy Game; A Beautiful Mind; and In The Bedroom. I hope they’re good.

After that I walked over to Vons. Picked up some essentials: toilet paper, iced tea, lettuce (romaine and iceberg), toothpaste, and a very few other essertials. It felt good to be out doing groceries, and walking again. Last week was so busy — not enough walking.

So it felt good to be out and about again, and on foot.

Later on, I had a friend over to watch Sopranos, which was new, not too violent, and pretty good. I’ve been so ambivalent about television lately, that I find it odd to be eagerly anticipating TV. The only other shows I’ve been looking forward to are Justice League and Samurai Jack. And oh yeah, Frontline.

This week is Happy Hour 9. Can’t wait.

And so, the week begins. I’m feeling good. Energized.

Onward.

The word for the day early Monday morning was:

rec·i·proc·i·ty

   + A reciprocal condition or relationship.

   + A mutual or cooperative interchange of favors or privileges, especially the exchange of rights or privileges of trade between nations

   + a relation of mutual dependence or action or influence

One of the cooler things about iTunes is that it allows you to make “Smart Playlists” – which are playlists based on criteria you can put in yourself. For example, I have smart playlists which include New Order/Electronic/Joy Division as well as for David Byrne/Tom Tom Club/Casual Gods/Talking Heads. I hadn’t thought to do this before, but you can also specify by words in the song titles. So here is one…

From my iTunes Playlist – Songs featuring the word “Girl“
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Eddie Arroyo Down Tempo Mix)
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Eddie Arroyo Long Dance Mix)
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Radio Edit)
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Smooth Mix)
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Thunderpuss Dirty Club Mix)
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Thunderpuss Fiesta Club Mix)
Fiona Apple …… Sullen Girl
India Arie …… Girl from Video
The Beach Boys …… California Girls
The Beach Boys …… Girl Don’t Tell Me
The Beach Boys …… The Girls On The Beach
The Beach Boys …… Surfer Girl
The Beastie Boys …… To All The Girls
The Beat Farmers …… Girl I Almost Married
David Bowie …… China Girl
David Byrne …… Girls On My Mind
The Cars …… My Best Friend’s Girl
Cracker …… Eurotrash Girl
Van Morrison …… Brown Eyed Girl
Morrissey …… Driving Your Girlfriend Home
Morrissey …… Girl Least Likely To
The Negro Problem …… Stranded On The Cloud Girl‘s Terrain
Randy Newman …… The Girls In My Life (Part I)
Randy Newman …… Kevin’s Party (Cowboy Girl)
Randy Newman …… Real Emotional Girl
Prince …… Girl
Prince …… If I Was Your Girl Friend
Steely Dan …… Negative Girl
Matthew Sweet …… Girlfriend
They Might Be Giants …… How Can I Sing Like A Girl?
Stevie Wonder …… That Girl
The Wolfgang Press …… A Girl Like You
Frank Zappa …… Building A Girl
Frank Zappa …… Catholic Girls
Frank Zappa …… Dead Girls Of London
Frank Zappa …… Fine Girl
Frank Zappa …… The Girl In The Magnesium Dress
Frank Zappa …… Little Girl Of Mine
Frank Zappa …… Little Rubber Girl
Frank Zappa …… Lobster Girl
Frank Zappa …… Lonely Little Girl
Frank Zappa …… Valley Girl
Frank Zappa …… What Kind Of Girl?

“I was just trying to get you to stop snoring.”

Happy Hour 9 was great. Put some faces with names and email addresses. Met many very cool people. A good time was had by all.

Today was great, did some good work for one client, and took a great meeting with a prospect I’ll be doing some consulting with. I also somehow managed to not be stressed out. I went up to Lou’s Records in Encinitas. And any excuse to hit Lou’s is a good excuse. With luck, Shelli S of softweargirlz took some good pictures that will get posted. That would rock.

And the words for the night are charming and honesty and forthrightness. Good words.

Onward!

Today was SO busy, I can’t even describe how busy it was in a creative manner. Today I: ported a PHP nav script to ASP, downloaded some apps for my uncle and burned them, bought a new cheap monitor, did a pile of work on an ASP project, had a good lunch (sushi) with a pal, made a great mini-site with pictures from Happy Hour (to come), paid bills, mailed off bills, ate almonds, answered most of my email, instructed my designer friend in the finer points of FTP, debugged a server that was inaccessible from the public internet, utterly failed to do my dishes, failed to blog, updated my calendar, explained how web servers, scripting interpreters, and databases interact, spitballed a project with another colleague, encouraged a friend to not give up hope, exchanged some charming email with a new acquaintance, wanted to (but couldn’t) go see a movie with my wife, ate some more almonds, then a burrito and a sprite, and that’s it. I did all this in a scant 12 hour day. Whew!

G’nite!

Jennifer updates her journal, live and in person from my living room.

I grieve, still, for what we lost.

I’m exultant at what we have both gained.

We’ve grown up.

Her leaving may be the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve come to understand so much. I’m learning every day. Trying to be a better man. Better human.

And I’m so joyful to have Jennifer as a friend.

(say this one quietly)…Onward

New Words: Two Ships.

Now I’m going to go do laundry.

I feel wonderful this morning.

Feeling inspired and excited today. Currently listening to Tom Tom Club’s Genius of Love. The result is new header graphics at the Colophon and at The Lab. Two pictures I took while doing my laundry this morning. I had coffee this morning. I rarely drink coffee. Are these new images the result of the stimulant of caffeine, or are they the result of a different sort of inspiration? I’m not sure.

But I still feel wonderful.

I still feel wonderful.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

My workspace, such as it is, is featured here at somebodydial911.com’s workspaces. It’s really neat to see all the different spaces people work in.

About an hour ago, maybe longer, I got up and went down to the store. I rose early. I’m feeling so blissful. Walking on air. I was amazed at how many people are out and about in the five o’clock hour. I’d forgotten. The sun has come up now. I bought some soy milk. I bought a Gatorade. I walked back home and picked up the paper. It was a wonderful way to start the day and quite novel. I’ve been getting up earlier in the past few months. I’ve been going to buy groceries on foot. But I’ve not combined these activities.

Oh.

I’m rambling.

Really, I should work on some projects now.

I’m going to work now. But I’ll say again, I feel wonderful.

books to read
three tattoos
dishwashing
seriousness
messy floor
phone calls
john mayer
exclusivity
wonderful
proposals
openness
questions
lightness
five days
progress
soy milk
talking
mango
clients
babies
pasta
work
girls
syd
jac

Well, I am. Drop me a line if you have any projects or questions about web work.

So today I have some project work to work on. Some more proposal work. Should keep me busy. I’m feeling pretty wonderful, still. A word for the past few days might be “serendipity” or “luck” or “accident.” But for now I just feel good.

There’s a fine line between fearless and stupid.

Busy these days with work and proposals, but it’s all all all good. In fact, I want more.

Last night I exercised my art jones a bit. Felt really good. The “water pen” is a new one on me, but I dig it.

Yesterday I used a coffeehouse as a place to do application design. It worked pretty well altogether!

Things is good.

ONWARD!!!

Correction: I meant “water brush”.

I think it’s important that folks not presume too much about the precise details of what I’m up to based on this blog. I share honestly here, but not terribly explicitly. It’s frankly not anyone’s business exactly what I’m doing moment to moment. I may hint at some things to be cute sometimes. But the hints are always open to interpretation.

Lately I have a relationship happening, with a woman, that is occuring at a breakneck pace. I think it’s time for me to slow down cowboy and regroup. My counselor is on vacation now but I feel like I need that professional objective voice now. Next week, luckily.

Tonight I made a mistake in my communications with Jennifer. I suggested a change in how we are approaching things. And I did it for selfish reasons. And I hurt her feelings. I told her I’m sorry, but I need to come back from this with more than words. If that makes sense.

We had a previous agreement to go slow in moving towards divorce, and I asked tonight to move faster. I asked this for what I understand now to be asinine reasons. I need to regroup, stop and think for a while about what’s happening in my head and heart. Luckily I have a good support network. Moreover, I’m not making any rash decisions.

In other news, I will be house-sitting this weekend and so will be out most of the next 2 days.

The lesson for me is that I’m going to make mistakes, but that I need to think before I act. Today I did not do that, and the result was hurt feelings.

This may not all make sense, but I need to sleep now.

The Adams Avenue Street Fair is this weekend. I hear from a friend that Lila Downs, musician, is really cool. Although I’m house-sitting, I may try and check it out.

this wasn’t supposed to happen
I was happy by myself
accidentally you seduced me
I’m in love again

I lie in my bed totally still
my eyes wide open
I’m in rapture
I don’t believe this
I’m in love again

Weeeee! I’m house sitting now. Some initial difficulties getting setup to work and compute, but it’s all good now. 2 big rambunctious dogs, one mellow cat and one 2 week old kitten. It’s nice to be alone and chill for a bit. I need some good chill time.

CriticalMAS writes in…
Here is another CDONTS article:
http://digitalcolony.com/01/cdonts/

It’s my personal favorite, cause I like the author. 🙂

(to which I reply) Thanks MAS!

I have some old logo parodies/homages which have now been featured at www.fakelogos.com – kinda fun!

House sitting rocks. And pets are cool.

Hey, sometimes brevity is cool.

yikes! a page I created all by my lonesome got mentioned on the msnbc site.

wacky!

Try meet-an-inmate.com.

Beck’s new CD, Sea Change, which I bought with the income from a big job that just launched (not saying the url yet) is really wonderful. My favorite track is “Lost Cause.” The theme of the CD is, appropriately, breakups.

It’s funny to me though, it’s not “wallow in sorrow” music, it’s more like “the sadness is normal, there is hope” music.

If that makes any sense.

Molly Ivins on our wrongheaded and un-American plans for war.

I really liked the timeliness and coherency of this quote from Julius Ceasar, until I learned that it is not a quote from Julius Ceasar.

Few people who do anything excellent are ever heard of. You know why? Because excellence, pure excellence, terrifies the fuck out of Americans because they have been bred to appreciate the success of the mediocre. People don’t like to be reminded that lurking somewhere there are people who can do some shit that you can’t do. They can think a way you can’t think, they can dance a way you can’t dance. They are excellent. You aren’t excellent. Most Americans aren’t excellent, they’re only OK. And so to keep them happy as a labor force, you say, “OK, let’s take this mediocre chump,” and we say, “He is terrific!” All the other mediocre chumps say, “Yeah, that’s right and that gives me hope, because one day as mediocre and chumpish as I am I can…” It’s smart labor relations. An MBA decision. That is the orientation of most entertainment, politics, and religion. So considering how firmly entrenched all that is right now, you think it’s going to turn around? Not without a genetic mutation it’s not!

– Frank Zappa

My sister and I were talking about dating. I’m seeing someone now who is (gasp!) my own age. A new change for me, I tend to date people who have more than 5 years difference to my age. Anyway, her line when talking about age was:

“For example, I think 23 is too young for anybody.”
– My Sister

Have I mentioned that I have what is maybe the best sister in the world?

This is a simple way to cost spammers money!

4. smile!