September, 2002: 82 posts.
I was joking around with a buddy of mine — looking at San Diego Reader Classifieds – particularly the personals. I drafted what my own personal ad would be. I would never actually put this up, but here’s what it would be. I post it here at my peril. 🙂
eclectic man, 32, separated and evolving, seeking intense honest friendships with awake and alert beautiful women. must know html.
It made me laugh to write this. More of a fun thing than a serious thing. Perhaps there needs a site for personal ads for people who would never place a personal ad?
See, you’re beautiful.
This is not a shallow word.
This is a way of looking at yourself.
I think if you can say you’re beautiful, that you’ve overcome the stupid notions of the culture.
What I’m looking for is self-confidence, and yes, some attractiveness. But mostly a kind of ballsy confidence that does not accompany “self-confident.” With “self-confident” I think I’d end up capturing Biz-Dev powersuit women.
I have new projects starting this week. Lots of work percolating. Some of it no doubt will not pan out, but some of it I think will for sure. Adventures!
Dissident search engines.
It must be the future.
Yes, I know Dirrty is misspelled.
Yes I know it’s silly.
Ting Ting Jahe, it’s the very best!
Okay, back to work.
Too much to blog, so instead I will blog very little.
But things are good. The blog will catch up with my life this weekend.
I’m tired now.
Why Would You Hire Me?
There’s no site to small, no task too trivial. Here on the Crawford homestead, we enjoy working on websites! Whether it’s debugging a perl script, doing a site map, doing a linkcheck, building out a site, designing a site, doing a needs assessment, training, teaching, tutoring — I do it all. Rates are reasonable, and needs are simple, so I can steer you to smart reasonable solutions. What are you waiting for? Drop me a note!
I feel good.
It’s Sunday morning.
Got up early, hoping to get a start to the day.
But there’s nothing really to do today. But I’d like it to be mellow. That easy feeling has been something I’ve been after this past week. The wet weather has been a catalyst for some of that feeling. The sound of the rain. The smell of it certainly enhances calm.
I want to muster some motivation today, but I think I’m pleased with mellow.
I have some things to report.
Some good things. Almost all good things, really.
Last week, on Thursday, my wife Jennifer, from whom I have now been separated for four months, had our last session of joint counseling. “Last session of joint counseling” may sound like a negative thing. It’s not. In fact, we find ourselves dear friends. The lines of communication are so great that we find we can talk about work, about family, about outside relationships we are having, about travel, about movies, everything. It’s a wonder.
At the beginning of this separation, I was a shambles. I was smoking ruin. I’m reminded of the line from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the galaxy describing going through hyperspace as “unpleasantly like being drunk” — the inevitable question being “what’s wrong with being drunk?” — the reply of course is:
“Ask a glass of water.”
And that’s how I felt. I was battered and remaindered and cast off. I felt like a dead man.
The progress I’ve made, and the things that have happened since I was torn away and replaced with something new have done nothing but amaze me.
» desperately sought a return to my wife
» taken a trip to washington dc
» seen the new star wars movie
» started therapy
» played a lot of racquetball
» snuba’d at molokini crater in hawaii
» seen the air and space smithsonian in washington
» fallen out of love with my wife
» rediscovered my wife as a friend
» cat-sit for my wife
» sent desperate flowers to my wife
» sent stupid email to my wife
» made stupid phone calls to my wife
» felt betrayed
» felt like a failure
» beaten myself up
» gotten involved with a 12-step program
» been on a radio show talking about it all
» seen norah jones live
» spoken with beautiful wonderful women for hours
» taken loads of items to goodwill
» been asked to take a leave of absence from work
» done work in asp/access
» learned much more about application architecture
» gotten a new g4
» began banking online
» fallen in love
» learned about o’keeffe and stieglitz
» tried to model myself and another person on o’keeffe and stieglitz
» learned that i actually need to be myself
» learned that we are all alone in the universe
» learned that many people love me
» learned that people forgive me my failures
» learned that people surprise me every day
» learned that i love people very much
» learned that i may have the most wonderful parents and sister in the world
» learned that friends i have cultivated for decades are still my friends if i am a screw-up
» cried a great deal
» and sobbed
» woken up crying
» gone to bed crying
» shrieked in the car in anguish many many times
» stopped thinking that every problem in the world is my responsibility
» sold a cappucino maker
» started eating tiger’s milk bars
» enjoyed the wonder of soyrizo
» lost sixty-five pounds
» decided walking is okay
» learned to like doing the laundry
» bought the new negro problem cd
» burned several mix cds for friends and family
» tried to appreciate life
» tried to appreciate existence
» questioned my lack of faith
» tried to see the good in the universe
» tried not to turn away from the bad in the universe
» decided that i don’t believe in god
» decided that i do believe in love
» decided that i want to explore those last two even more
» decided that i love women
» decided that i don’t have to grow old with every woman whose company i enjoy
» decided i need to learn how to date
» made dinner for jennifer
» had dinner made for me by jennifer
» had many other meals with many other people
» learned that lunches with friends and others can provide more than just nutrition
» realized that people actually read this blog
» they often have good ideas and have been wonderful to me
» decided to continue this peculiar public journaling
» improved a great deal emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually
So on Friday night my Grandfather had a birthday. It was very cool. At one point he expressed a desire for his brother, who died some years ago. It was a big blow. It is unlike him to express emotion, but clearly he was feeling loss at the thought of his brother. My Grandfather is a good man. I don’t know what else to say about it. We all have our journeys and mysteries don’t we? Even if we have had eighty-four years of experience and struggle and love and conflict and joys, we still have more to live. There is always more to live.
Life is a puzzle, and a gift, and pain. But it is worth cherishing.
Anyway, I had Chai, and she had some kind of Strawberry shake thing, and we chatted for several hours at a local Coffeehouse. Entirely pleasant.
Apple’s mysterious Marklar, OSX on x86.
On Sharing with a Partner:
Share with me that you’re a human being. is the sentiment people want. (via a friend)
I’d like to say at this point that nostalgia is stupid. No television show can encompass terrorism. It is folly to think we will find closure or simple answers. As the line in Full Metal Jacket goes … “It’s a shit sandwich and we’re all gonna have to take a bite.”
Beware anyone who is using the memory of a year ago to sell you something. Whether that something is war, or a new car, or insurance, plastic flags. Beware people who wrap themselves in the flag. Even with the best intentions, blind patriotism is not a positive force for a democratic society.
Americans are great not because we’re so good at rallying together. We’re great because we can dissent, speak up, and still be United States.
Last year after Jenny picked up the phone and talked to her Mom on the phone, I immediately checked my email. My sister was working at the Smithsonian at the time. Her office was right on the Mall. In Washington D.C. I received this email, sent to my parents and to me.
Date: Tue, 11 Sep 2001 7:01 am
Subject: Re: today
Dear Mom and Dad, Joe and Jenny,
We just heard the news about the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.
They’re evacuating Congress right now. I’m kinda nervous about this whole thing.
Take care of yourselves and stay out of federal buildings.
Call me when you can… I can imagine it’s going to be crazy trying to get home today on the metro.
all my love,
I wrote her back as soon as I read it and told her to be safe and that I loved her. I was scared for her. She replied with this:
Date: Tue, 11 Sep 2001 7:56 am
Subject: Re: today
Thanks for responding.
They’ve told us to leave the building. I’m going home. 703-XXX-XXXX. I’ll call when I get home.
I love you.
Again, I have no wisdom today. I’m not trying to evoke anything. I did not lose anyone close to me in the events. But I wanted to record my thoughts and memories on this for posterity. Here’s last years September 11 post.
I don’t keep up with people from High School.
The way I think of my formative schooling years, I have almost no desire to be reminded of how I felt about myself. And more, how I took to heart the judgements of the great mass of kids in school.
I’ve been out of High School for 15 years now. As I type that I’m quite amazed. It’s not that I feel old, it’s just that so much has happened in that time.
So it’s all the more fascinating to me to have friendships that seem long since passed, and have them be renewed. It was a delight, really. More camraderie, and good talk with people I’m comfortable with, can only be a good thing. All that, and food at Milton’s, a great restaurant, deli up in Del Mar.
Another renewed relationship is with a a woman I worked with at UVa, oh, 10 years ago. she contacted me just the other day. This is another blessing of this blog. I of course write about my troubles, and so she wrote me with her own troubles. We spoke on the phone a bit later, and she’s going through marital ickiness. I feel for her.
Here’s where I complain about the fact that things never get to be easy.
But the books I’ve read indicate that life is hard, and this is what strengthens our character. It is the struggle to overcome our own fears and doubts, and the challenges that we have every day, that makes us better people.
I know that I’ve improved myself while under the stress of the past four months.
But it would be hard for me to imagine a life where life was that stressful, all the time. I think people do it though. “Lives of quiet desperation,” it is said.
For me, I can’t stay quiet.
The key is to retain hope, and to share the journey with people on the same trip.
In other news, yes, several very kind people have complimented me on the new site header. Thanks. I’m also making subtle changes all around the site. New imagery on the FAQ and in the Words sections. Words has gotten a layout shift, too. tell me what you think.
I get a lot of joy doing those headers. They are mini-creative projects. Tiny digital artifacts that make me happy.
I suppose when one has been building web pages since 1996, they add up.
I enjoyed dinner, then I walked over to Hollywood Video. It’s been remodeled. In previous visits I’ve been amazed at how unkempt the place was. Boxes on the floor, videos unsorted; it was a mess.
But yesterday, it was spic and span. More, it had a whole new “store within a store” – called Game Crazy. Many racks of games, and chain link fence around a subsection. I suppose it looks “extreme.” I rented three movies: Spy Game; A Beautiful Mind; and In The Bedroom. I hope they’re good.
After that I walked over to Vons. Picked up some essentials: toilet paper, iced tea, lettuce (romaine and iceberg), toothpaste, and a very few other essertials. It felt good to be out doing groceries, and walking again. Last week was so busy — not enough walking.
So it felt good to be out and about again, and on foot.
Later on, I had a friend over to watch Sopranos, which was new, not too violent, and pretty good. I’ve been so ambivalent about television lately, that I find it odd to be eagerly anticipating TV. The only other shows I’ve been looking forward to are Justice League and Samurai Jack. And oh yeah, Frontline.
This week is Happy Hour 9. Can’t wait.
And so, the week begins. I’m feeling good. Energized.
+ A reciprocal condition or relationship.
+ A mutual or cooperative interchange of favors or privileges, especially the exchange of rights or privileges of trade between nations
+ a relation of mutual dependence or action or influence
From my iTunes Playlist – Songs featuring the word “Girl“
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Eddie Arroyo Down Tempo Mix)
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Eddie Arroyo Long Dance Mix)
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Radio Edit)
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Smooth Mix)
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Thunderpuss Dirty Club Mix)
Christina Aguilera …… What A Girl Wants (Thunderpuss Fiesta Club Mix)
Fiona Apple …… Sullen Girl
India Arie …… Girl from Video
The Beach Boys …… California Girls
The Beach Boys …… Girl Don’t Tell Me
The Beach Boys …… The Girls On The Beach
The Beach Boys …… Surfer Girl
The Beastie Boys …… To All The Girls
The Beat Farmers …… Girl I Almost Married
David Bowie …… China Girl
David Byrne …… Girls On My Mind
The Cars …… My Best Friend’s Girl
Cracker …… Eurotrash Girl
Van Morrison …… Brown Eyed Girl
Morrissey …… Driving Your Girlfriend Home
Morrissey …… Girl Least Likely To
The Negro Problem …… Stranded On The Cloud Girl‘s Terrain
Randy Newman …… The Girls In My Life (Part I)
Randy Newman …… Kevin’s Party (Cowboy Girl)
Randy Newman …… Real Emotional Girl
Prince …… Girl
Prince …… If I Was Your Girl Friend
Steely Dan …… Negative Girl
Matthew Sweet …… Girlfriend
They Might Be Giants …… How Can I Sing Like A Girl?
Stevie Wonder …… That Girl
The Wolfgang Press …… A Girl Like You
Frank Zappa …… Building A Girl
Frank Zappa …… Catholic Girls
Frank Zappa …… Dead Girls Of London
Frank Zappa …… Fine Girl
Frank Zappa …… The Girl In The Magnesium Dress
Frank Zappa …… Little Girl Of Mine
Frank Zappa …… Little Rubber Girl
Frank Zappa …… Lobster Girl
Frank Zappa …… Lonely Little Girl
Frank Zappa …… Valley Girl
Frank Zappa …… What Kind Of Girl?
Today was great, did some good work for one client, and took a great meeting with a prospect I’ll be doing some consulting with. I also somehow managed to not be stressed out. I went up to Lou’s Records in Encinitas. And any excuse to hit Lou’s is a good excuse. With luck, Shelli S of softweargirlz took some good pictures that will get posted. That would rock.
And the words for the night are charming and honesty and forthrightness. Good words.
I grieve, still, for what we lost.
I’m exultant at what we have both gained.
We’ve grown up.
Her leaving may be the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve come to understand so much. I’m learning every day. Trying to be a better man. Better human.
And I’m so joyful to have Jennifer as a friend.
(say this one quietly)…Onward
But I still feel wonderful.
Really, I should work on some projects now.
I’m going to work now. But I’ll say again, I feel wonderful.
New stuff here on artlung.com — this is called San Diego Spots and features stray comments from my friends Jennifer (yes, that Jennifer) and Erin on cool stuff to do and see and eat in San Diego. It’s small, but excellent. I’m biased though.
Also featured is Erin’s List of Things That Aren’t Here Anymore – which will probably be a fun memory lane type experience for some of you.
They’re both just lists, with some commentary. We hope you’ll enjoy them!
Last night I exercised my art jones a bit. Felt really good. The “water pen” is a new one on me, but I dig it.
Yesterday I used a coffeehouse as a place to do application design. It worked pretty well altogether!
Things is good.
Lately I have a relationship happening, with a woman, that is occuring at a breakneck pace. I think it’s time for me to slow down cowboy and regroup. My counselor is on vacation now but I feel like I need that professional objective voice now. Next week, luckily.
Tonight I made a mistake in my communications with Jennifer. I suggested a change in how we are approaching things. And I did it for selfish reasons. And I hurt her feelings. I told her I’m sorry, but I need to come back from this with more than words. If that makes sense.
We had a previous agreement to go slow in moving towards divorce, and I asked tonight to move faster. I asked this for what I understand now to be asinine reasons. I need to regroup, stop and think for a while about what’s happening in my head and heart. Luckily I have a good support network. Moreover, I’m not making any rash decisions.
In other news, I will be house-sitting this weekend and so will be out most of the next 2 days.
The lesson for me is that I’m going to make mistakes, but that I need to think before I act. Today I did not do that, and the result was hurt feelings.
This may not all make sense, but I need to sleep now.
It’s funny to me though, it’s not “wallow in sorrow” music, it’s more like “the sadness is normal, there is hope” music.
If that makes any sense.
ArtLung.com regrets the error.
– Frank Zappa
“For example, I think 23 is too young for anybody.”
– My Sister
Have I mentioned that I have what is maybe the best sister in the world?