I know nothing

It seems like the more I learn, the more I realize I know nothing at all. I’m feeling humility today and yesterday and the day before. Humility before a higher power is how I think of it. It reminds me of 12-Step programs, one of which I got involved with a few years ago. Humility serves a good function. Tear down the arrogance, and that’s when interesting stuff happens, that’s when you become open to what the world might be trying to tell you. I make progress toward being a good communicator, towards being a responsible person, but adulthood eludes me. F for Fake. Or F for Flake.

WWOD? What would Orson do?

Though perhaps I’m hung up on labels, and “should”-ing myself about what I “should” be, what I “should” be doing.

I have had a busy week, but I got lost this week in terms of my responsibilities. I am not as smart as I thought I was. I run into roadblocks, I run into the hard thing… and I am stopped dead in my tracks. I am paralyzed. At that point bad habits kicked in, and I have suffered for it, and that suffering is transferred to those I love. Those I love a great deal. That sucks. And hurts. And is a failure.

But the lovely thing is I am in control of my own life, and I can do what I want to do. I can want to do better. I can make changes which have an impact on the conduct of my own life, and if I am lucky or God willing (should he / she / it exist), then those changes can have an impact on those I love a great deal.

I know nothing, but I am in charge of my own life, and all the self-loathing in the world (well, all the self-loathing comes from inside me, not the world) won’t help a damn bit.

My name is Joe. I’m a human being, and I make mistakes. I might even make them in swirling curlicue patterns, thinking next time things will pull left, but there they go again pulling right. But I can recover from them and get better each time. I know that positive change is possible, because I’ve been there and done that.

The danger is in the hubris of thinking you have it all figured out. And that hubris is really just ignorance of the self. It’s a lack of reflection of how imperfect we are. That’s over. I feel it. I know nothing. And that is the beginning.
Thanks for listening. I doubt it made any sense, but it felt good.