The Word for Yesterday: Yummy.
June 2002 Forty-two posts
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In the Fall of 1998 I started to take classes in Pascal and Java at Santa Monica College – the Pascal class was interesting for a while, but I dropped it. My own reading at the time was doing what I needed. At the time the only programming I was doing was some Perl and some JavaScript. The Java class was pretty mind-blowing. I grokked object oriented code, but the class rapidly got ahead of my own experiences of OO code. I remember being right there with the instructor for about 3 weeks, then I was in way over my head. I’m glad I took those classes, but I am only a dilettante programmer. My skills are multivariate; this is my strength. I need to get comfortable with that.
I have been going through all my old papers and objects. This morning I came across my notebook from SMC. I write it here because I’m throwing out the notebook.
I’ve got a zen calm about letting go of these things I have packratted.
I am ever in the process of becoming. Refining. Rehabilitating. Remaking. Reclaiming.
Onward.
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The lyrics to CAT PEOPLE [PUTTING OUT FIRE] are perfectly apt for yesterday night:
Still this pulsing night
A plague I call a heartbeat
Just be still with me
But it wouldn’t believe what I’ve been thru
You’ve been so long
Well it’s been so longAnd I’ve been putting out the fire with gasoline
Putting out the fire
With gasolineSee these tears so blue
An ageless heart that can never mend
Tears can never dry
A judgement made can never bendSee these eyes so green
I can stare for a thousand years
Just be still with me
You wouldn’t believe what I’ve been thru -
Jenny and I have now been separated 6 1/2 weeks.
The cat has been a great comfort to me in that time. A companion through my tears and angst and sorrows — and a bringer of laughter, because he is, at the heart of it, a real ham. As this new life, this separated life takes shape, I am learning so much about myself. In some ways it’s a blessing to get a chance to take stock of every single thing in your life. Friends, family, joys, sorrows, failures, triumphs.
This morning, I did a sketch of him. I will probably frame it and put it on one of these walls. Perhaps I will scan it and put it here.
I will miss him, but I know he is going to a home that will love him.
I do not know what will happen with Jenny and me. Neither does Jennifer. We talked a bit and I know we have so much work to do.
In the meantime, I must live my life. I must experience this journey, no matter where it takes me.
Onward.
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My sunburn, and other things, really hurt today.
Must keep healing, working striving, learning.
Onward.
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I Feel You by Depeche Mode
This is the morning of our love
It’s just the dawning of our loveI feel you
Your precious soul
And I am whole
I feel you
Your rising sun
My kingdom comes -
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I think Jenny should take the cat. It’s time for me to let go. I have been so lucky these past weeks. So strengthened. I don’t need the cat. I think I was partially keeping him for selfish and antagonistic reasons. Only partially, but that’s stupid pettiness. I can’t use the cat as leverage. It’s wrong. Yes, of course I love and cherish the cat and he’s great to talk to (and barks at me sometimes!) and keeps me on my toes and is a wonderful companion. But I love him so much I know where he belongs.
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Today I got up early and did my laundry.Today I spoke to my Mom and sister for a good long talk.
Today I went swimming for the first time in a long time.
Today I helped build a prefab garden shed.
Today I gave a copy of Understanding Comics away.
Today I had crunchy pb&j.
Today I passed a special note in class.
Today I was overwhelmed by eyebrows.
Today I wore sensible shoes.
Today I took two showers.
Today I was quizzed on Star Wars fighters, and passed.
Today I arrived late to a family event.
Today I saw the plaque for my grandfather at Mount Soledad.
Today I ate at Hometown Buffet with my family.
Today I was once again reminded that I am lucky, and loved.
Today I went to a comic book store but bought nothing.
Today I talked with old friends and it felt good.
Today I gave away some toy dinosaurs.
Today I got confused by mixed messages.
Today I talk like crazy.
Today I helped do maintenance on an aging iMac.
Today I felt very sad about the idea of losing a friend.
Today I got sunburnt on my face and arms and back.
Today I bought a book by Melodie Beattie.
Today I ate a Kahlua flavored candy.
Today I wrote this and realized it sounded heavy handed.
But I posted it to Blogger anyway.
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It’s a delight when you can talk to your father like a friend — when you can share every damn thing in your life with him, and he is accepting and wise, and offers constructive advice. It’s a delight when you can shoot pool and drink beer with your uncle and feel like a peer. It’s a delight to talk to your sister across the country and feel like she’s right there with you. It’s a delight to get things done at work. It’s a delight to be part of a presentation for work that goes well. It’s a delight to talk to a counselor who offers real insight, but more, teaches you to fish rather that gives you a fish. It’s a delight to make a phone call to a sad person, and hear happiness in their voice. It’s a delight to be able to have happiness to share where there was only sadness before. It’s a delight to come home to a cat who enjoys a french fry. But just one. It’s a delight to have a wonderful evening, without having planned any of it. It’s not a delight to go to bed at 2am when you have racquetball at 9:30am. So wish me luck!