I feel very much like a cork on the surface of a turbulent sea. Hurled from place to place, bounced and flipped by the sea. But alive, and surviving.
I am now on a leave of absence from my employer, AVENCOM. What this means is that I will have some time to consider my career options. In all likelihood this means I will be going freelance. So If you have need of a guy who can do a bit of everything, or who can answer your obscure web questions for money, I’d be a good choice. I’ll be reactivating my professional portfolio in the coming days and weeks. My folks are helping me out with financial buffer. I will also update my Respiratory Therapy resume. Every one of my survival skills needs to be in play now.
On Monday, Jennifer. Jennifer and I will have joint counseling Monday night. Jennifer is currently expressing positive feelings about a reconciliation. Frequent readers of this blog may note that this is a change. It is impossible for me to judge or guess what will happen with regards to my marriage. I simply don’t know. I don’t know what’s in my head. I don’t know what’s in my heart. The whole affair is confusing and painful to me. I feel love for her, but I am not certain that what needs to happen is for us to be back together as a couple. Time will tell what happens. I do know that I want to be happy. And I do know that I want Jennifer to happy. Beyond that, I’ve no idea.
On Tuesday, I’ll be on the radio, I believe. The Lounge, a show from local NPR affiliate KPBS. I’ll be talking about blogs. I hope I can be articulate about the subject. I do think I know the subject well, and have been blogging for some time myself. Co-guesting with me will be Lester of Yeah, Totally.
On Wednesday, I’ll be going to Hawaii. Yes!, what you really want to do when you are out of work is take a vacation. Well, the idea is to chill out and try and understand what the heck is going on. Maybe that will help. I know my trip to Washington D.C. to see my sister helped a lot.
Could I possibly have more going on?
My parents and sister left yesterday, returning to the East Coast. It was wonderful to have them in town. They have provided valuable counsel and the truth we were able to share was important and cathartic. I’m working to resolve many things in my life – physical | emotional | intellectual | spiritual. My Dad says “Jenny may have saved your life by leaving you” — and I tend to agree. I was out of balance in many ways, and this “wake up call” has forced me to take a critical look at my life. My Mom wants me to get more spiritual. I think she understands better that I struggle with faith very much. Despite being a formerly devout Catholic, faith no longer comes easy to me. My work in healthcare and my first hand observations of the pain in the world made me question the idea of a primary deity long ago. I definitely fall into the “agnostic” category. If I had a faith, I’d declare it, believe me. My sister is very worried about me. I love her so much. She herself is undergoing a career transition and I want to see her rock the world. She’s immensely talented and I foresee good things for her.
I also found out that my Mom has begun reading this blog. She liked my shoeshine piece. This gratifies me. I always knew that having family reading this journal was a possibility, and likewise always knew that It would not change the content. I attempt to exercise caution about how I phrase things, and attempt to be tactful and nonspecific enough that nobody has grounds to be offended, or be slandered, or libeled, etc. The idea here is to be honest and expressive of where I’m at.
I joked with my folks that my life has turned into a country song. Lost my wife. Lost my cat. Lost my job. Or perhaps blues is a more appropriate genre?
And that’s the way it is, July 14, 2002.