So the contents of my keys and wallet were the subject of today’s brilliantly funny slice-of-life post over at leahpeah: I Don’t Want One wherein she says:

and I continue to drive Joe a little crazy because he is the kind of guy that has had the same 3 club cards for over 5 years and they are always in his wallet in the same slots. But he also carries around 500 keys that he doesn’t need, so whatever.

It’s true. I don’t mind doing the monkey dance for the store people, and I hate to be unprepared when someone wants to see my documents, licenses, access codes, club cards, etc. I get really embarassed and feel like a dope. It’s years of family training to NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER lose your keys, or your passport, or your proof of insurance, or your bank book, or leave your keys in your car, or forget your home phone number or address or else the GODS OF BUREAUCRACY WILL PUNISH YOU AND YOU WILL NO LONGER DESERVE TO HAVE THE SURNAME CRAWFORD. That’s only a slight exaggeration.

So let’s clear up the contents of my keyring. I have 6 keys, 3 swipey things, a bottle opener, and a electronic door opener thingy. The keys are to the house, the mailbox, the car, actually the other three are to uh… okay, I’m not sure, but it’s only three keys I don’t know, and NOT 500, but when I need them I’ll have the last laugh! And yes, if I have my keys I am ready AT THE DROP OF A HAT to purchase at club card prices at Ralph’s and Albertson’s. Taste the savings! I can also get into our gym at any second as well. My Vons card is in my wallet, since they’re pretty much Nazis and haven’t caught on that the little key fob bar code thingies are really the right way to go when it comes to shopping discount technology. I don’t think the “oh, you don’t have your card, give us your phone number” works for any of them since they’re all tied to phone numbers I had sometime during the Clinton administration. Thus, Leah would not really have access to my super-secret club discounts. I do intend to update them so that my wife can use my discountsclub information, but it’s not high on my to-do list. I do, however, have a little slip of paper in my wallet from Ralph’s reminding me I need to do that since a few weeks ago when I didn’t have my keys and I had to give them like 3 phone numbers before I got one that worked to give me the discount on the bread, wine, and water I had bought. The NSA has nothing on Ralph’s when it comes to knowing my personal home phone number history.

It’s at this point I’ll point out that I need to get back to work, since that’s what I need to do today. The watchword is goal completion today, baby. If I can stick to a goal like “I will not lose my club cards EVER, since without them I can’t save 15 cents on Gatorade for the boys” I should be able to meet deadlines too. So, yeah.

Godspeed, y’all.