Content Warning: Discussion of Suicide

If you do a Google search for “12 step low point” Google pops up:

I was trying to think of the term “rock bottom” but was stopped short because I don’t think I’ve ever done a search that triggers this kind of reminder about a suicide hotline. I’m very glad it exists.

September 2024’s IndieWeb Carnival asks In your darkest hour, where did you find the strength to save yourself? This is in honor of Suicide Prevention Month.

I can’t say I have had a strong idea that I ought to commit suicide. I think the death of my cousin in 1995 inoculated me against the idea. I wrote about it in 2005: Eddie & Comic-Con

But there have been two times when I felt crushing depression and hopelessness. I’ll restrict myself to the first.

Two decades ago, I’d been married for about 3 years. I was working hard. I was professionally highly engaged. But my wife who I’ve been with for 6 years total was evolving into her own person. She was becoming independent, and I didn’t have any notion of how to be in a relationship with someone who was my equal. My ideas about a relationship were patriarchal. I was to be the breadwinner. The decision-maker. I didn’t know how to reconcile and adjust to the changes she was making.

So what did I do, I dove into what was comfortable: more work.

When she said that she was going to leave me it felt as though it was completely out of the blue. It felt like a huge surprise. It felt like there had been no signs of impending fracture.

But no, it was not new. I had simply been going along and ignoring how we grew apart.

So when she left my world view was shattered. I had no notion of what was true and correct. I knew I desperately wanted to rewind time and get a do-over. There are no do-overs.

What saved me? Well, honestly, this blog was a piece of it. I found connection through friends and acquaintances. I found a therapist then who I still occasionally see. I found a “12-Step” group focused on healthy communication and relationships and I attended regularly. My depression was quite bad for a long time. While doing that my finances got worse; and my ability to work faltered.

But I was lucky.

Therapy was useful. I felt like I was smart, and that my feelings did not matter. I think I imagined myself to be Mr. Spock from Star Trek. I could suppress feelings.

I couldn’t.

The analogy for therapy that convinced me it would be worthwhile was thinking of my “emotions” as a kind of “engine” for the body. And that therapy was like popping the hood on that vehicle and seeing what the heck was going on in there.

I still periodically see that same therapist. If you are curious for a good therapist in San Diego I would be happy to give you a referral.

What saved me most of all was learning to sit with my emotions. I have learned that when things feel broken and lost, and they do sometimes. I know what tools work for me to reckon with them.

Somewhere I have a tiny notebook where I listed the things that help me feel better. On that list there are two things that still work:

• take a hot bath
• work on my website

It does seem surprising that those things still work. I wrote them down because of a conversation in therapy about “what makes you feel better?” And those were on the list then. Twenty-whatever years later, they still do.

And if things stay bleak? I have to call on friends. Family. Group meetings. Therapist. That list might be different for different people.

And keep trying. Because it’s really worth it to keep trying. The world is really much more interesting with me in it. And it’s much more interesting with you in it, too.

Thanks Matthew Graybosch, for hosting this month’s Carnival.